The Dependent Pleaser Pattern's Interior

Therapists encounter the dependent pattern frequently because people suffering from it are accustomed to seeking support and advice from others. The upper quadrants of the Self Compass are deactivated to such a degree that counselees possess little self-esteem (Strength Compass) or courage (Assertion compass point). An overly exaggerated Love compass point leads them to submissively seek approval by pleasing and placating, while an inflated Weakness compass point creates an undercurrent of anxiety.

The Pattern’s Interior

As in all personality patterns, the actualizing quality of a compass point is lost when taken to an extreme and left unbalanced by the opposite compass point. Therefore, even though dependent counselees want to give and receive love more than anything else in the world, genuine love—which requires the integration of Strength and Assertion with Love and Weakness—eludes them. The overblown Love compass point skews behavior toward self-sacrifice without self-preservation, submissiveness without assertion, and giving without receiving. Beneath their warmth and niceness lies a desperate search for acceptance and approval.

Rejection is feared more than aloneness, so the dependent person takes no risks toward individuality or independent thought or action that might lead to alienation from sources of nurturance.

Unconscious forces are set in motion by these dynamics. A dependent-patterned person can be seen as cooperative and gracious by others, yet has actually undergone identity foreclosure, meaning that self-development is arrested with a childlike focus on safety and gratification, much like a fetus needs the mother to feed it and provide oxygen through the umbilical cord. Not knowing they can cut the psychological umbilical cord by developing the healthy expressions of Strength and Assertion, they fear independence instead of acquiring it. Nor do they comprehend that healthy people would find them more lovable for replacing clinging vine dependency with authentic selfhood.

The over-exaggeration of the Love compass point alone strands a counselee in a sea of masochism. It’s not that dependent Pleasers like pain, because they don’t. It’s just that they don’t realize how this subservient pattern creates the fundamental reason for this distress: the pain of feeling constantly on edge about keeping people happy and the pain of needing other’s approval for whatever they do.

The dependent pattern exists as a pure prototype of fixation on the Love compass point, but can occur in combination with the adjacent compass points of either Strength or Weakness. When combined with the Strength compass point, counselees develop compulsive controlling features; combined with the Weakness compass point, the dependent develops avoidant depressive features. In all cases, however, the Assertion compass point is decommissioned.

For more on the Dependent Pleaser pattern see:

Compass Therapy In Action: Christian Psychology In Action

The Self Compass in Counseling and Therapy

Incorporating the Self Compass diagram in a session is simple and intriguing. 

Show a graphic of the Self Compass to your client and say something like: 

“One of the building blocks of your therapy is this compass diagram. Notice that it’s divided into four compass points that are essential to every person. 

“The Love compass point stands for all the love and caring you’ve ever received or given, but its opposite, the Assertion compass point, is just as important. Loving helps you care for others; Assertion lets you express yourself and stand up for your feelings and values. Now I wonder if you might explore how the Love/Assertion polarity relates to you.”

By asking clients to locate and elaborate on their own experiences within the Self Compass, you involve them in assessing and describing their own behavior. Two things happen. 

First, they begin to develop an observing self that will help them reflect on their behavior throughout the therapy. 

Second, they enjoy talking about themselves in compass terms by sharing significant life experiences that relate to a given compass point. This prepares for continued exploration of the relationship between their current functioning and their actualizing growth toward holistic health.

Personality researchers have frequently found that this process of developing "psychological mindedness" is associated with successful treatment outcomes.

By introducing the Self Compass early in therapy, you invite the person to become a motivated collaborator in the therapeutic alliance. Substantial evidence links proactive client participation with beneficial outcomes in therapy. 

Once you have explored the terrain of a client’s reflections on Love and Assertion, you launch the next expedition by saying: 

“The other polarity represents times in life when you’ve felt especially weak or particularly strong. The Weakness compass point equals anxiety, vulnerability, and uncertainty. The Strength compass point describes your experiences of confidence and adequacy. How would you say these two compass points relate to you?”

As vital information from your client’s life history comes forth, you discern how he or she has typically handled the Weakness/Strength polarity. Is he stuck overly exaggerating weakness at the expense of strength? Has she developed a superior attitude to compensate for her fear of showing weakness?

The rapport you build and the insights you gain help form a diagnostic impression of the client’s personality configuration. You may find out that the man who is a confident physics professor at work is a dependent depressive at home. Or the woman who has mastered yoga for relaxation goes to pieces when stressed by her hyperactive three-year-old son.

You and the client are working together like Sherlock Holmes and Watson, searching for relevant clues and deducing growth goals that will help to solve the mystery of why self-help that has eluded them. 

The spirit of mutual curiosity and discovery generated by exploring the Self Compass adds momentum to motivation, self-reflection, and personality integration. These are key ingredients for awakening clients to full engagement in their change process. 

Here’s a glimpse of how such dialogue can work. Let’s say you’ve just heard Nancy’s disclosure about how she sees herself and her significant relationships in terms of the Self Compass. You begin to formulate a treatment strategy with her.

Therapist: “So Nancy, it sounds like you could benefit from more assertion in order to hold your own with your husband. Is that right?”

Nancy: “Yes, he just makes so many choices about furniture, vacations, and where we eat out without getting my input. I don’t think he’s trying to be bossy. But I do need to let him know what I’d like more often.”

Therapist: “One of our goals can be strengthening your use of the assertion compass point. Working on how to diplomatically express yourself instead of not saying anything. Now what about strength and weakness?”

Nancy: “Well, in my nursing work I feel very confident. Everyone treats me with respect. So that’s okay. But where I get shaky inside is with my teenage daughter. She wants so many things! I give in too easily. I think I feel intimidated by her.”

Therapist: “It’s like you feel strong at work but weak in the presence of your daughter, especially when she puts pressure on you to buy her something.”

Nancy: “Exactly. I’ve tried to set boundaries but she just keeps on until I give in.”

Therapist: “Well, we can strengthen your staying power through some role-playing and help you develop more self confidence in her presence.”

Nancy: “That would be great.”

The Self Compass is a user-friendly tool that helps a therapist: 

• develop a diagnosis-to-treatment strategy
• form an estimate of how many sessions may be needed
• generate action techniques for intervention and growth-enhancement
• monitor a counselee’s progress
• determine when therapy is ready for termination

Sharing the Self Compass demystifies therapy and engages clients as dialogue partners in the therapeutic enterprise. People feel excited and empowered when they know they can directly influence their own functioning.

By adding the knowledge coming in future posts to the central model of the Self Compass, you'll become able comprehend a vast amount of clinically sophisticated material in a way that feels intuitive and easy to recall.

Most of all, you will grasp the link different personality rigidities and effective specific treatment strategies needed for guiding your clients toward health and happiness.