Dependent Personality Disorder, Emotions & Body Language

Dependent Pattern Emotions

A therapist can build counselee trust by foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety, guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent Weakness compass points. 

The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough. Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling, preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers. Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy, the fear of not coming across just right.

An ironic consequence of the pattern makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others.  Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,” and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

While feelings of anxiety, guilt, and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for support.

Body Language

For Pleaser counselees, there is no “there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar” readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they instead feel more like a “no-body.” 

Breathing shallowly from the thorax contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.

The body language of counselees stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso, the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological habit of leaning on others for support. 

For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION 

Curing Personality Disorders in Compass Therapy

Why are personality disorders so alluring to individuals who cling to them? I agree with Gordon Allport that a pattern exists as an autonomous complex within the personality. It functions much like a tapeworm within its host, taking energy and usurping what would rightfully belong to the host, and giving nothing back but its own waste. This is the mystery of iniquity, identified even in the Bible, which troubles people from one generation to the next and defies rational explanation.

Any one of the personality disorders has the power to speak, think, feel, and act as though it is a living person. The truth is that these patterns are neither living nor responsive to life, yet they act with a purposeful autonomy. Often when counselees try out a creative new thought, feeling, or action, the personality pattern will assert itself as if to say, “Don’t you dare change or something bad will happen!” Harry Stack Sullivan called this the defensive alarm mechanism of patterned behavior. It is just as predictable as the patellar reflex which occurs when a doctor taps a patient’s knee.

Though Freud documented the resistance levied by defense mechanisms, a personality pattern’s ego-syntonic autonomy goes way beyond the theory of transference. More often than not, the pattern makes repeated bids to take over the counseling dialogue, and without vigilance a therapist and counselee can sit there powerless to intervene. 

Yet from the view of Compass Therapy, the form this resistance takes provides vital information about how a counselee thinks, feels, and acts in everyday life. For instance, the histrionic pattern leads to non-stop talking that drives a counselee to perform rather than communicate. The therapist can gesture for a “time-out” (as officials do in an athletic game) to help move through this resistance and make relevant points. 

Or, in the case of the avoidant-patterned counselee, the therapist can point out the psychology of the obvious by saying gently, “It’s like your unconscious came up with a solution to anxiety long ago: ‘If I just sit here and say nothing, then nothing bad can ever happen.’”

By knowing in advance where the personality disorder pattern and their correlated styles of resistance reside within the Self Compass, the therapist can impart new information throughout the therapy, gradually strengthening a counselee's resolve to escape from the pattern by challenging their own resistance.This motivates clients to participate in their growth toward freedom and health, a decisive gain for successful therapy.

This process of pattern identification and the forming of a compass conception of what life could be without the pattern, works even when there are pattern combinations involved. Just as all colors on an artist’s palette originate in the primary colors of red, blue, and yellow, so all personality patterns and their combinations originate in exaggerating or avoiding of one or more compass points: Love and Assertion, or Weakness and Strength. 

The LAWS of personality and relationships link together the potential for actualizing growth with manipulative trends, personality patterns, and psychoses. To learn more about these LAWS of personality read Christian Counseling That Really Works: Compass Therapy in Action.

For instance, someone who combines both compulsive and dependent patterns will not only compulsively set about seeking other’s perfect approval, but will experience an inner conflict between controlling everyone’s reactions while needing others to control them in an authoritarian way. This neurotic conflict is like prizing your new car so much that you are afraid to drive it, while at the same time offering the keys to anyone who needs a ride. In this particular case, you can see the neurotic dilemma in which the counselee’s unconscious resentment of people (compulsive control) co-exists with an unceasing quest for people’s approval (dependent pleasing). 

When counselees learn to discriminate between the false voice of their pattern and the true voice of their spiritual core, the personality disorder loses its allure. The therapist’s clear vision into the nature of these patterns is passed on to the counselee as though through a vaccination that gives them immunity toward the pattern. 

In this manner, the patterns that underlie personality disorders are gradually flushed out, brought into consciousness for constructive reflection, and increasingly discarded in favor of new behavioral experiments that yield more satisfying results. Otherwise, therapy will bog down or last forever with only marginal results. No wonder therapists can burn out and not know why.

As a therapist, you know you’re making progress as you illuminate these ineffective coping strategies and watch clients replace them with signs of an integrated Self Compass, with all its benefits of personality health and fulfilling relationships. 

To master how to successfully treat the nine most common personality disorders (Narcissistic, Compulsive, Histrionic, Dependent, Antisocial, Paranoid, Borderline, Avoidant, and Schizoid), read several times through:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION

Compass Therapy and the Year of Faith

The Catholic Church has declared October 11, 2012 to November 24, 2013 as The Year of Faith. As a committed Christian and theologian-psychologist I applaud this emphasis. It accentuates a goal shared by Compass Therapy: How to help people deepen their personal faith in Jesus Christ and experience the benefits of Christ in personality health and wholeness.

I believe The Year of Faith expresses the heartfelt cry of Christians worldwide to draw close to the Lord Jesus Christ in our modern day. As Paul says, “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all” (Ephesians 4:4-6). This especially speaks to pastoral ministry, where daily challenges call for active faith.

When the Catechism of the Catholic Church first came out I read it cover to cover in a week. It is a profoundly spiritual, Scriptural, and psychologically sensitive work. Pope Benedict XVI, when he was still Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, was a chief architect of the Catechism. 

I want to share with you one powerful paragraph from Pope Benedict's apostolic letter “Porta Fidei” that has introduced The Year of Faith. I do this with admiration for his spirit of pastoral care—and with the conviction that he is speaking on behalf of the Body of Christ, Catholics and Protestants alike:

“The Year of Faith is a summons to an authentic and renewed conversion to the Lord, the one Savior of the world. In the mystery of his death and resurrection, God has revealed in its fullness the Love that saves and calls us to conversion of life through the forgiveness of sins (cf. Acts 5:31). For Saint Paul, this Love ushers us into a new life: “We were buried ... with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life” (Rom 6:4). Through faith, this new life shapes the whole of human existence according to the radical new reality of the resurrection. To the extent that he freely cooperates, man’s thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed, on a journey that is never completely finished in this life. “Faith working through love” (Gal 5:6) becomes a new criterion of understanding and action that changes the whole of man’s life” (cf. Rom 12:2; Col 3:9-10; Eph 4:20-29; 2 Cor 5:17).

As the Pope says, personal transformation “is a journey never completely finished in this life.” We can benefit from psychological and spiritual tools that help us move forward. One of these is the Self Compass, the central growth tool of Compass Therapy. The Self Compass helps us renew our personal conversion to Jesus and cooperate with the Holy Spirit in providing therapy to hurting people.

This Vatican has endorsed the Compass Model of personality because it supports "shaping the whole of human existence according to the radical new reality of the resurrection." Applying the Self Compass growth tool in counseling sessions will help people undergo "purification and transformation" during this Year of Faith.

LOVE & ASSERTION

Faith is deeply connected to personality health. Faith helps to counter the corrosive effects of anxiety, depression, and anger. The Self Compass promotes personality health and thereby increases a person's faith. 

Love and Assertion are two complementary compass points within every person's Self Compass. What is the connection between faith and Love? In order to love God or another person, we must reach out to them. We must open our hearts. We must risk caring for them. This requires faith! I have counseled hundreds of people who suddenly received this insight and gasped: "Oh no, now I realize I've lived my whole life to be safely self-contained. I've been too afraid to ever really love anyone." 

To grow in Love requires the courage of Assertion. Mary risked trusting the Angel Gabriel's message to her. Though she no doubt felt some fear, and though she certainly didn't know how she could become the Mother of our Lord, she ended the conversation assertively: "May everything you have said about me come true" (Luke 1:38). Mary dared to assertively express faith in the God whom she loved and trusted. Human beings can become more like Mary.

WEAKNESS AND STRENGTH

Spend a few concentrated moments today or tonight hungering and thirsting for Christ’s presence in your pastoral ministry. Don’t be afraid of any Weakness. Integrate your vulnerability and even self-doubts into your faith in God’s Strength. The Catechism says, “Only faith can embrace the mysterious ways of God’s almighty power. This faith glories in its weaknesses in order to draw to itself Christ’s power” (273). Out of Weakness we are made strong. This humble Strength is what God loves to foster in us. A rhythm between Weakness and Strength never makes us arrogant.  

The Self Compass helps you cooperate with grace, so that in Pope Benedict's words, your "thoughts and affections, mentality and conduct are slowly purified and transformed." Undergoing our own transformation helps us counsel others with empathy and confidence. 

In case it might help your own personal journey of faith this year, I'm including a link to God and Your Personality: The Newly Revised Catholic Edition. You can imagine my humble gratitude when Pope Benedict's personal theologian wrote and told me that this book had been added to his personal library. 

Paul Cardinal Poupard of The Vatican has this to say: “God & Your Personality is no New Age influenced waffle clouded in a mystique of blurb, but a useful tool for all those who seek to address personality issues and quench their innate spiritual thirst with the living-water which truly satisfies.”

 

GOD AND YOUR PERSONALITY

Outgrowing the Codependent Pattern in Therapy

Compass Therapy concurs with Cognitive Therapy that all personality patterns exhibit automatic self-talk; that is, subliminal vocalizations that embody a counselee’s thoughts and assumptions about life. Since self-talk involves mental rumination, a kind of repetitive rehashing of conscious and unconscious beliefs, the purposeful revision of self-talk has a direct impact on how counselees interpret reality, and what emotions they feel as a consequence.

Pleaser Pattern Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Pleaser pattern centers on constant worry about what other people think of them. It sounds like this:

• I’m responsible for the happiness of others.
• I should never offend another person.
• I must keep the peace at all costs.
• I should take everyone’s problems to heart.
• It is selfish to think of my own needs.
• If I’m nice to them, others will like me.
• I must keep my real feelings to myself.

Under the dictates of this pattern, a person should be able to endure anything, trust others, and like everyone. Albert Ellis summarizes Pleaser self-talk as “irrational beliefs (that) it is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone...one should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely...one should be quite upset over other people’s problems and disturbances” (1962, p. 61). 

Pleasers project their inner neediness indiscriminately onto the world. They assume that others, too, need constant reassurance and rescuing. Thus, it is unthinkable to consider that others might perceive Pleaser worrywart behavior as irritating, their constant rescuing as interfering, or their smothering over-protection as insulting.  

By drawing upon one’s own courage and gentleness, the therapist can guide counselees caught in the dependent pattern to become aware of the negative outcomes this pattern wreaks on the personality and relationships. 

The Approval Immunity Diagram

You can help neutralize some of this neediness by showing the counselee the Approval Immunity diagram.

Beyond Codependency: Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

You explain: “This diagram represents all the people you will ever meet in your lifetime. The column on the left shows that a small percentage of those people will like and love you, no matter what you do. It may be that they find you easy to be around or that their personalities are compatible with yours. It would be very hard for you to convince them not to like you. Do you know anyone like that?”

The counselee explores recollections of such persons.

Then you continue: “This column on the right represents a small percentage of people who will not like you, no matter how hard you try to change their minds. It may be they feel superior to you or simply that they are crabby to begin with. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to invest any energy in them because they will only use it against you. Have you met a person like that, or encountered one as a clerk or coach or teacher?”

The counselee explores any such recollections.

You continue: “This brings us to the most important column—the one in the middle that represents most of the people you will ever meet. You need remember only one thing about them: they don’t care one way or the other about you, because they are too busy paying bills, solving problems, and experiencing their own pressing agendas to think about you. These include people in school, at church, on athletic teams, in your neighborhood, at restaurants, in movies, at the mall, and wherever else you meet them. They may be cordial for a moment or look right past you, but the main thing to realize is that you are a blip in their stream of consciousness, so much so that they have no recollection of seeing you or talking to you that day. Now, what does this awareness bring up inside you?”

The counselee explores reactions to this information.

Once the main point of this diagram is processed and embraced as a growth goal, most counselees report a new level of freedom around others, a freedom to express or interact with less submissiveness.

For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS:

COMPASS THERAPY IN ACTION

Dependent Personality Disorder Origins

How Does a Person Become A People-Pleaser?

Those who exhibit the Pleaser pattern are likely to enjoy an idyllic first year or so of life. By receiving consistently warm care, they form an expectation that they will be nurtured and develop an implicit trust in those they live with to meet all of their needs.

But when the toddler begins to show a desire for autonomy, the parent does not allow it. Instead, the parent continues nurturing the toddler in babying ways. The parent discourages exploration, overly protects, and immediately relieves any frustration the toddler experiences. This continues during preschool and school age years. An example is a mother who insisted on remaining with her son every day of his first week of kindergarten. 

The smothering parenting style is one of pervasive control. It does not occur to the parent that there will be any other response but compliance. The consequence of relentless nurturance is dedicated submission. These children experience difficulty in developing a sense of competence and dignity when parents discourage their autonomy and peers tease them about their immaturity and undue sensitivity.

Pleaser dependency can also develop in the context of aggressive parenting that exaggerates anger to intimidate the child. In this case, Pleasers fear for their self-preservation and evolve a dependent-compliant response to avoid parental anger or displeasure. In other words, because the parent is stuck with aggression on the Assertion compass point on their Self Compass, the child learns not only to decommission this compass point in their own development, but undergoes generational reversal by adopting a Love-oriented Self Compass fixated on being a good boy or good girl. 

Consequently, they neglect inner interests, talents, and feelings in favor of attending to what their parent expects and demands. They are given the impression that inner direction is selfish and inconsiderate. This impoverished self-determination accounts for the feelings of depression and emptiness that Pleasers secretly harbor, despite their efforts to appear happy.

Another origin of the Pleaser pattern stems from early deprivation due to the loss of a warm and supportive mother by death or illness, or its equivalent: the emotional absence of a nurturing parent. A parent who is physically absent, suffers from depression, or is emotionally shutdown can leave the child with nagging insecurities. 

  

Clinical Literature

The dependent pattern is widely recognized in clinical literature. Both Freud’s and Abraham’s concept of an “oral character” views the pattern as exhibiting many traits of infancy: total dependency, lack of assertion, a tendency to cling to others, separation anxiety, and insatiable needs for constant care, affection, and support. Fenichel aptly describes the oral dependent as a “love addict.”

Horney describes the “compliant type” as a person who chronically “moves toward people” with pleasing and placating behaviors. Fromm sees the dependent pattern as creating a “receptive orientation” characterized by interpersonal naiveté and Pollyannaish gullibility. Tyrer agrees that there is a Pollyanna-like view of the world that makes them regard duplicitous motives of manipulative individuals with imperceptive childlike trust. 

How does a therapist help the dependent pleaser grow out of this pattern? Have a look at:

 COMPASS THERAPY: CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY ON ACTION