Dependent Personality Disorder, Emotions & Body Language

Dependent Pattern Emotions

A therapist can build counselee trust by foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety, guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent Weakness compass points. 

The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough. Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling, preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers. Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy, the fear of not coming across just right.

An ironic consequence of the pattern makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others.  Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,” and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

While feelings of anxiety, guilt, and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for support.

Body Language

For Pleaser counselees, there is no “there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar” readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they instead feel more like a “no-body.” 

Breathing shallowly from the thorax contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.

The body language of counselees stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso, the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological habit of leaning on others for support. 

For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION 

Dependent Personality Disorder: Therapeutic Impasse

Compass Therapy asserts that a person's personality pattern is largely responsible for the problems in living that they face. In the case of a dependent person, this pattern makes them a personal slave to those around them, and this results in hidden anxiety, guilt, and depression that drives them into therapy.

The therapeutic impasse of every personality pattern centers on the point of greatest resistance to a more rhythmic and actualizing life. For Dependent Pleasers to move beyond this impasse requires giving up the need for others' support and approval in order to develop self-support and self-approval. The success of the therapeutic alliance and treatment outcome depends upon making this transition.

The therapist does well to recognize how spouses, children, or friends take the Dependent counselee for granted and order them around. One young woman’s parents lived sixty miles away, yet left a message on her answer-machine saying, “We’ll be out of town for a week. Be sure and feed the dog in the morning and evening.” 

This demeaning treatment bewilders the love-stuck person and heaps up piles of hurt and resentment in the basement of the unconsciousness. Even so, the dependent keeps trying to put on a happy face. As one husband put it, “I just keep smiling and being a doormat.”

On the other hand, the very reason for coming into therapy often involves a rupture in their co-dependent way of life, some fresh and painful experience of rejection or abandonment in which they feel their very existence is threatened.

It is a fact of life that Dependent counselees—in order to make progress in developing serenity and personal power—will receive disapproval, the withdrawal of support, and loss of protection from unhealthy persons who have thrived on their lack of identity, especially those who are themselves stuck in narcissistic or aggressive patterns. 

Compass Therapy suggests helping counselees develop insights not only about their own pattern, but also about the manipulations of anyone who takes unfair advantage, imposes guilt trips, or causes undue duress.

Once dependent counselees begin to open up, they will pour out long-buried feelings of insecurity, anxiety, disappointment, and dejection. This is an excellent development because even though they feel like they are coming apart at the seams, in actuality they are becoming less of a stereotype and more of an individual self. 

Therapeutic Questions for Dependent Pleasers

The therapist can frame the characteristics that comprise the thinking, feeling, and behavior of Pleaser-patterned counselees as questions, reflections, or interpretations designed to help them gradually understand and differentiate their core selves from the constraints of the pattern:

• Are you aware of an inner need to take care of others and make them feel loved?
• Whenever there is an argument do you automatically take a peacekeeping role?
• When you were growing up, did you feel responsible for making your parents happy?
• Were you discouraged from assertive behavior in the name of being a “good boy” or “good girl?”
• When faced with a decision do you usually worry about what other people will think?
• Do you feel guilty about spending time and money on yourself?
• Do you feel happy if people are approving of you—and sad, guilty, and anxious if they don’t?
• Do you have difficulty in understanding people’s motives, especially if they take advantage of you? 
• If someone compliments you, do you play it down and quickly forget it?

When the therapist stands in strong support of former people-pleaser counselees, they can draw courage to stand up for themselves, discover their authentic wants and needs, and negotiate more successfully with reality.

An effective book for Dependent Pleasers to read while in therapy:

THE SELF COMPASS