Dependent Personality Disorder, Emotions & Body Language

Dependent Pattern Emotions

A therapist can build counselee trust by foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety, guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent Weakness compass points. 

The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough. Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling, preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers. Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy, the fear of not coming across just right.

An ironic consequence of the pattern makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others.  Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,” and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

While feelings of anxiety, guilt, and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for support.

Body Language

For Pleaser counselees, there is no “there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar” readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they instead feel more like a “no-body.” 

Breathing shallowly from the thorax contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.

The body language of counselees stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso, the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological habit of leaning on others for support. 

For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION 

Outgrowing the Codependent Pattern in Therapy

Compass Therapy concurs with Cognitive Therapy that all personality patterns exhibit automatic self-talk; that is, subliminal vocalizations that embody a counselee’s thoughts and assumptions about life. Since self-talk involves mental rumination, a kind of repetitive rehashing of conscious and unconscious beliefs, the purposeful revision of self-talk has a direct impact on how counselees interpret reality, and what emotions they feel as a consequence.

Pleaser Pattern Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Pleaser pattern centers on constant worry about what other people think of them. It sounds like this:

• I’m responsible for the happiness of others.
• I should never offend another person.
• I must keep the peace at all costs.
• I should take everyone’s problems to heart.
• It is selfish to think of my own needs.
• If I’m nice to them, others will like me.
• I must keep my real feelings to myself.

Under the dictates of this pattern, a person should be able to endure anything, trust others, and like everyone. Albert Ellis summarizes Pleaser self-talk as “irrational beliefs (that) it is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone...one should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely...one should be quite upset over other people’s problems and disturbances” (1962, p. 61). 

Pleasers project their inner neediness indiscriminately onto the world. They assume that others, too, need constant reassurance and rescuing. Thus, it is unthinkable to consider that others might perceive Pleaser worrywart behavior as irritating, their constant rescuing as interfering, or their smothering over-protection as insulting.  

By drawing upon one’s own courage and gentleness, the therapist can guide counselees caught in the dependent pattern to become aware of the negative outcomes this pattern wreaks on the personality and relationships. 

The Approval Immunity Diagram

You can help neutralize some of this neediness by showing the counselee the Approval Immunity diagram.

Beyond Codependency: Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

You explain: “This diagram represents all the people you will ever meet in your lifetime. The column on the left shows that a small percentage of those people will like and love you, no matter what you do. It may be that they find you easy to be around or that their personalities are compatible with yours. It would be very hard for you to convince them not to like you. Do you know anyone like that?”

The counselee explores recollections of such persons.

Then you continue: “This column on the right represents a small percentage of people who will not like you, no matter how hard you try to change their minds. It may be they feel superior to you or simply that they are crabby to begin with. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to invest any energy in them because they will only use it against you. Have you met a person like that, or encountered one as a clerk or coach or teacher?”

The counselee explores any such recollections.

You continue: “This brings us to the most important column—the one in the middle that represents most of the people you will ever meet. You need remember only one thing about them: they don’t care one way or the other about you, because they are too busy paying bills, solving problems, and experiencing their own pressing agendas to think about you. These include people in school, at church, on athletic teams, in your neighborhood, at restaurants, in movies, at the mall, and wherever else you meet them. They may be cordial for a moment or look right past you, but the main thing to realize is that you are a blip in their stream of consciousness, so much so that they have no recollection of seeing you or talking to you that day. Now, what does this awareness bring up inside you?”

The counselee explores reactions to this information.

Once the main point of this diagram is processed and embraced as a growth goal, most counselees report a new level of freedom around others, a freedom to express or interact with less submissiveness.

For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS:

COMPASS THERAPY IN ACTION

Dependent Personality Disorder: Therapeutic Impasse

Compass Therapy asserts that a person's personality pattern is largely responsible for the problems in living that they face. In the case of a dependent person, this pattern makes them a personal slave to those around them, and this results in hidden anxiety, guilt, and depression that drives them into therapy.

The therapeutic impasse of every personality pattern centers on the point of greatest resistance to a more rhythmic and actualizing life. For Dependent Pleasers to move beyond this impasse requires giving up the need for others' support and approval in order to develop self-support and self-approval. The success of the therapeutic alliance and treatment outcome depends upon making this transition.

The therapist does well to recognize how spouses, children, or friends take the Dependent counselee for granted and order them around. One young woman’s parents lived sixty miles away, yet left a message on her answer-machine saying, “We’ll be out of town for a week. Be sure and feed the dog in the morning and evening.” 

This demeaning treatment bewilders the love-stuck person and heaps up piles of hurt and resentment in the basement of the unconsciousness. Even so, the dependent keeps trying to put on a happy face. As one husband put it, “I just keep smiling and being a doormat.”

On the other hand, the very reason for coming into therapy often involves a rupture in their co-dependent way of life, some fresh and painful experience of rejection or abandonment in which they feel their very existence is threatened.

It is a fact of life that Dependent counselees—in order to make progress in developing serenity and personal power—will receive disapproval, the withdrawal of support, and loss of protection from unhealthy persons who have thrived on their lack of identity, especially those who are themselves stuck in narcissistic or aggressive patterns. 

Compass Therapy suggests helping counselees develop insights not only about their own pattern, but also about the manipulations of anyone who takes unfair advantage, imposes guilt trips, or causes undue duress.

Once dependent counselees begin to open up, they will pour out long-buried feelings of insecurity, anxiety, disappointment, and dejection. This is an excellent development because even though they feel like they are coming apart at the seams, in actuality they are becoming less of a stereotype and more of an individual self. 

Therapeutic Questions for Dependent Pleasers

The therapist can frame the characteristics that comprise the thinking, feeling, and behavior of Pleaser-patterned counselees as questions, reflections, or interpretations designed to help them gradually understand and differentiate their core selves from the constraints of the pattern:

• Are you aware of an inner need to take care of others and make them feel loved?
• Whenever there is an argument do you automatically take a peacekeeping role?
• When you were growing up, did you feel responsible for making your parents happy?
• Were you discouraged from assertive behavior in the name of being a “good boy” or “good girl?”
• When faced with a decision do you usually worry about what other people will think?
• Do you feel guilty about spending time and money on yourself?
• Do you feel happy if people are approving of you—and sad, guilty, and anxious if they don’t?
• Do you have difficulty in understanding people’s motives, especially if they take advantage of you? 
• If someone compliments you, do you play it down and quickly forget it?

When the therapist stands in strong support of former people-pleaser counselees, they can draw courage to stand up for themselves, discover their authentic wants and needs, and negotiate more successfully with reality.

An effective book for Dependent Pleasers to read while in therapy:

THE SELF COMPASS