Outgrowing the Codependent Pattern in Therapy

Compass Therapy concurs with Cognitive Therapy that all personality patterns exhibit automatic self-talk; that is, subliminal vocalizations that embody a counselee’s thoughts and assumptions about life. Since self-talk involves mental rumination, a kind of repetitive rehashing of conscious and unconscious beliefs, the purposeful revision of self-talk has a direct impact on how counselees interpret reality, and what emotions they feel as a consequence.

Pleaser Pattern Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Pleaser pattern centers on constant worry about what other people think of them. It sounds like this:

• I’m responsible for the happiness of others.
• I should never offend another person.
• I must keep the peace at all costs.
• I should take everyone’s problems to heart.
• It is selfish to think of my own needs.
• If I’m nice to them, others will like me.
• I must keep my real feelings to myself.

Under the dictates of this pattern, a person should be able to endure anything, trust others, and like everyone. Albert Ellis summarizes Pleaser self-talk as “irrational beliefs (that) it is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone...one should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely...one should be quite upset over other people’s problems and disturbances” (1962, p. 61). 

Pleasers project their inner neediness indiscriminately onto the world. They assume that others, too, need constant reassurance and rescuing. Thus, it is unthinkable to consider that others might perceive Pleaser worrywart behavior as irritating, their constant rescuing as interfering, or their smothering over-protection as insulting.  

By drawing upon one’s own courage and gentleness, the therapist can guide counselees caught in the dependent pattern to become aware of the negative outcomes this pattern wreaks on the personality and relationships. 

The Approval Immunity Diagram

You can help neutralize some of this neediness by showing the counselee the Approval Immunity diagram.

Beyond Codependency: Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

You explain: “This diagram represents all the people you will ever meet in your lifetime. The column on the left shows that a small percentage of those people will like and love you, no matter what you do. It may be that they find you easy to be around or that their personalities are compatible with yours. It would be very hard for you to convince them not to like you. Do you know anyone like that?”

The counselee explores recollections of such persons.

Then you continue: “This column on the right represents a small percentage of people who will not like you, no matter how hard you try to change their minds. It may be they feel superior to you or simply that they are crabby to begin with. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to invest any energy in them because they will only use it against you. Have you met a person like that, or encountered one as a clerk or coach or teacher?”

The counselee explores any such recollections.

You continue: “This brings us to the most important column—the one in the middle that represents most of the people you will ever meet. You need remember only one thing about them: they don’t care one way or the other about you, because they are too busy paying bills, solving problems, and experiencing their own pressing agendas to think about you. These include people in school, at church, on athletic teams, in your neighborhood, at restaurants, in movies, at the mall, and wherever else you meet them. They may be cordial for a moment or look right past you, but the main thing to realize is that you are a blip in their stream of consciousness, so much so that they have no recollection of seeing you or talking to you that day. Now, what does this awareness bring up inside you?”

The counselee explores reactions to this information.

Once the main point of this diagram is processed and embraced as a growth goal, most counselees report a new level of freedom around others, a freedom to express or interact with less submissiveness.

For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS:

COMPASS THERAPY IN ACTION

Compass Therapy and Cognitive Therapy As Complimentary Methods

The world is richer for the Cognitive Therapy approach to life and behavior developed by Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck. These two pioneers in counseling and psychotherapy came to believe that it is the thoughts we think determine the emotions we feel.

Albert Ellis

Aaron Beck

Therefore, they reasoned, by making a client's thoughts fully conscious and examining them in the therapeutic process, the client could be free of irrational thoughts and emotional health would follow.

I am connected to these men because my colleague and mentor, Dr. Everett Shostrom, made historic videos of Ellis and Beck applying the cognitive approach in live sessions. We carefully studied these and other examples of their work.

                                                   

Everett Shostrom

Dan Montgomery

 












Shostrom and I agreed at the time that the cognitive approach has strong merits, especially because it helps clients to identify when they are magnifying negative thoughts, influenced by unexamined thoughts from childhood, or otherwise frustrating themselves and their relationships with unhealthy assumptions about life.

But even while seeing these positives of cognitive therapy, we noticed some limitations. Primarily, there is more to human nature than thinking. Thoughts are important, but so are emotions, bodily states, and spiritual values. In writing Chapter One of Raymond Corsini's book, Handbook of Innovative Therapy, we addressed this point.

Corsini introduced our chapter by saying, "One of my long term goals is to write the definitive book on psychotherapy. Everett Shostrom and Dan Montgomery beat me to it, creating a supersystem of the best of all known theories and procedures...I believe an eclectic system of this type will eventually be the therapeutic system of the future" (Wiley, 1981, 2001).

After Shostrom passed away, I carried forward our fundamental assumption that human nature is holistic and multifaceted, and therefore needs a multifaceted method of healing and integration.

Compass Therapy, then, brings to therapists the multifaceted lens of the Human Nature Compass, which offers Mind and Heart, Body and Spirit, much as a physical compass provides North and South, East and West.

 A latitude and longitude of the self allows you to assess whether it is a client's thoughts, feelings, biological processes, or spirituality that is contributing to problems. And you can meet those particular needs by using action techniques that intervene at cognitive, emotional, physical, or spiritual levels.

Today I see Cognitive Therapy and Compass Therapy as complementary approaches to understanding and healing clients, each making unique contributions to a therapist's versatility in meeting client needs.

For more about applying the Human Nature Compass to 

 diagnose client needs and develop treatment plans, read: 

Compass Therapy: Christian Psychology in Action