Compass Therapy concurs with Cognitive Therapy that all
personality patterns exhibit automatic self-talk; that is, subliminal
vocalizations that embody a counselee’s thoughts and assumptions about life.
Since self-talk involves mental rumination, a kind of repetitive rehashing of
conscious and unconscious beliefs, the purposeful revision of self-talk has a
direct impact on how counselees interpret reality, and what emotions they feel
as a consequence.
Pleaser Pattern Self-Talk
The automatic self-talk of the Pleaser pattern centers on constant
worry about what other people think of them. It sounds like this:
- I’m responsible for the happiness of others.
- I should never offend another person.
- I must keep the peace at all costs.
- I should take everyone’s problems to heart.
- It is selfish to think of my own needs.
- If I’m nice to them, others will like me.
- I must keep my real feelings to myself.
Under the dictates of this pattern, a person should be able to endure anything, trust others, and like everyone. Albert Ellis summarizes Pleaser self-talk as “irrational beliefs (that) it is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone...one should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely...one should be quite upset over other people’s problems and disturbances” (1962, p. 61).
Pleasers project their inner neediness indiscriminately onto the world. They assume that others, too, need constant reassurance and rescuing. Thus, it is unthinkable to consider that others might perceive Pleaser worrywart behavior as irritating, their constant rescuing as interfering, or their smothering over-protection as insulting.
By drawing upon one’s own courage and gentleness, the therapist can guide counselees caught in the dependent pattern to become aware of the negative outcomes this pattern wreaks on the personality and relationships.
The Approval Immunity Diagram
You can help neutralize some of this neediness by showing
the counselee the Approval Immunity diagram.
 |
| Beyond Codependency: Dan Montgomery, Ph.D. |
You explain: “This diagram represents all the people you
will ever meet in your lifetime. The column on the left shows that a small
percentage of those people will like and love you, no matter what you do. It
may be that they find you easy to be around or that their personalities are
compatible with yours. It would be very hard for you to convince them not to
like you. Do you know anyone like that?”
The counselee explores recollections of such persons.
Then you continue: “This column on the right represents a
small percentage of people who will not like you, no matter how hard you try to
change their minds. It may be they feel superior to you or simply that they are
crabby to begin with. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to invest any
energy in them because they will only use it against you. Have you met a person
like that, or encountered one as a clerk or coach or teacher?”
The counselee explores any such recollections.
You continue: “This brings us to the most important column—the
one in the middle that represents most of the people you will ever meet. You
need remember only one thing about them: they don’t care one way or the other
about you, because they are too busy paying bills, solving problems, and
experiencing their own pressing agendas to think about you. These include
people in school, at church, on athletic teams, in your neighborhood, at
restaurants, in movies, at the mall, and wherever else you meet them. They may
be cordial for a moment or look right past you, but the main thing to realize
is that you are a blip in their stream of consciousness, so much so that they
have no recollection of seeing you or talking to you that day. Now, what does
this awareness bring up inside you?”
The counselee explores reactions to this information.
Once the main point of this diagram is processed and embraced
as a growth goal, most counselees report a new level of freedom around others,
a freedom to express or interact with less submissiveness.
For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:
For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:
