Christian Personality Theory Interprets Pleasers and Storytellers

Jesus encourages love as a primary intention for doing God’s will in the world: supporting the needy, loving the loveless, carrying one another’s burdens, and reaching out to others in a spirit of altruistic concern.

But Christ knows that for individuals to love others appropriately, they must learn to love themselves enough to draw firm boundaries with other people, neither pandering to others' needs nor overly soliciting their attention. For those who live with their center of gravity in others “have no root; they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away” (Mk 4:17).

To the Pleaser and Storyteller, Paul asks this question: “Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10).

How can Christians hear the voice of the Lord’s guidance in their personal life if they are preoccupied with currying everyone’s favor? 

Becoming a Servant of Jesus

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Paul says. "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom 12:2).

The developmental step Christ invites Pleasers and Storytellers to take involves: 

1. squarely facing their separation anxiety
2. walking through the valley of aloneness
3. with the Holy Spirit’s help, finding the path to a serene self-presence

Once the Pleaser has outgrown the subjective need for constant reassurance, and the Storyteller has given up the need to remain the emotional center of attention, then the Christian life of living by steadfast faith in God’s objective will can begin in earnest.

With this new center of gravity comes the ability to:

• differentiate one’s identity even while integrating the interpersonal self with the human family
• holding steady in the face of criticism or disapproval
• confronting unfairness or injustice when necessary
• listening to others and expressing one’s point of view
• drawing upon the inner peace of Christ as the cornerstone of actualizing growth 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7).

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory

Dependent Personality Disorder, Emotions & Body Language

Dependent Pattern Emotions

A therapist can build counselee trust by foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety, guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent Weakness compass points. 

The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough. Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling, preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers. Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy, the fear of not coming across just right.

An ironic consequence of the pattern makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others.  Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,” and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

While feelings of anxiety, guilt, and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for support.

Body Language

For Pleaser counselees, there is no “there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar” readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they instead feel more like a “no-body.” 

Breathing shallowly from the thorax contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.

The body language of counselees stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso, the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological habit of leaning on others for support. 

For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION 

Outgrowing the Codependent Pattern in Therapy

Compass Therapy concurs with Cognitive Therapy that all personality patterns exhibit automatic self-talk; that is, subliminal vocalizations that embody a counselee’s thoughts and assumptions about life. Since self-talk involves mental rumination, a kind of repetitive rehashing of conscious and unconscious beliefs, the purposeful revision of self-talk has a direct impact on how counselees interpret reality, and what emotions they feel as a consequence.

Pleaser Pattern Self-Talk

The automatic self-talk of the Pleaser pattern centers on constant worry about what other people think of them. It sounds like this:

• I’m responsible for the happiness of others.
• I should never offend another person.
• I must keep the peace at all costs.
• I should take everyone’s problems to heart.
• It is selfish to think of my own needs.
• If I’m nice to them, others will like me.
• I must keep my real feelings to myself.

Under the dictates of this pattern, a person should be able to endure anything, trust others, and like everyone. Albert Ellis summarizes Pleaser self-talk as “irrational beliefs (that) it is essential that one be loved or approved by virtually everyone...one should be dependent on others and must have someone stronger on whom to rely...one should be quite upset over other people’s problems and disturbances” (1962, p. 61). 

Pleasers project their inner neediness indiscriminately onto the world. They assume that others, too, need constant reassurance and rescuing. Thus, it is unthinkable to consider that others might perceive Pleaser worrywart behavior as irritating, their constant rescuing as interfering, or their smothering over-protection as insulting.  

By drawing upon one’s own courage and gentleness, the therapist can guide counselees caught in the dependent pattern to become aware of the negative outcomes this pattern wreaks on the personality and relationships. 

The Approval Immunity Diagram

You can help neutralize some of this neediness by showing the counselee the Approval Immunity diagram.

Beyond Codependency: Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

You explain: “This diagram represents all the people you will ever meet in your lifetime. The column on the left shows that a small percentage of those people will like and love you, no matter what you do. It may be that they find you easy to be around or that their personalities are compatible with yours. It would be very hard for you to convince them not to like you. Do you know anyone like that?”

The counselee explores recollections of such persons.

Then you continue: “This column on the right represents a small percentage of people who will not like you, no matter how hard you try to change their minds. It may be they feel superior to you or simply that they are crabby to begin with. Whatever the reason, it’s important not to invest any energy in them because they will only use it against you. Have you met a person like that, or encountered one as a clerk or coach or teacher?”

The counselee explores any such recollections.

You continue: “This brings us to the most important column—the one in the middle that represents most of the people you will ever meet. You need remember only one thing about them: they don’t care one way or the other about you, because they are too busy paying bills, solving problems, and experiencing their own pressing agendas to think about you. These include people in school, at church, on athletic teams, in your neighborhood, at restaurants, in movies, at the mall, and wherever else you meet them. They may be cordial for a moment or look right past you, but the main thing to realize is that you are a blip in their stream of consciousness, so much so that they have no recollection of seeing you or talking to you that day. Now, what does this awareness bring up inside you?”

The counselee explores reactions to this information.

Once the main point of this diagram is processed and embraced as a growth goal, most counselees report a new level of freedom around others, a freedom to express or interact with less submissiveness.

For more about helping people break free from the dependent pattern, see:

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS:

COMPASS THERAPY IN ACTION

Dependent Personality Disorder Origins

How Does a Person Become A People-Pleaser?

Those who exhibit the Pleaser pattern are likely to enjoy an idyllic first year or so of life. By receiving consistently warm care, they form an expectation that they will be nurtured and develop an implicit trust in those they live with to meet all of their needs.

But when the toddler begins to show a desire for autonomy, the parent does not allow it. Instead, the parent continues nurturing the toddler in babying ways. The parent discourages exploration, overly protects, and immediately relieves any frustration the toddler experiences. This continues during preschool and school age years. An example is a mother who insisted on remaining with her son every day of his first week of kindergarten. 

The smothering parenting style is one of pervasive control. It does not occur to the parent that there will be any other response but compliance. The consequence of relentless nurturance is dedicated submission. These children experience difficulty in developing a sense of competence and dignity when parents discourage their autonomy and peers tease them about their immaturity and undue sensitivity.

Pleaser dependency can also develop in the context of aggressive parenting that exaggerates anger to intimidate the child. In this case, Pleasers fear for their self-preservation and evolve a dependent-compliant response to avoid parental anger or displeasure. In other words, because the parent is stuck with aggression on the Assertion compass point on their Self Compass, the child learns not only to decommission this compass point in their own development, but undergoes generational reversal by adopting a Love-oriented Self Compass fixated on being a good boy or good girl. 

Consequently, they neglect inner interests, talents, and feelings in favor of attending to what their parent expects and demands. They are given the impression that inner direction is selfish and inconsiderate. This impoverished self-determination accounts for the feelings of depression and emptiness that Pleasers secretly harbor, despite their efforts to appear happy.

Another origin of the Pleaser pattern stems from early deprivation due to the loss of a warm and supportive mother by death or illness, or its equivalent: the emotional absence of a nurturing parent. A parent who is physically absent, suffers from depression, or is emotionally shutdown can leave the child with nagging insecurities. 

  

Clinical Literature

The dependent pattern is widely recognized in clinical literature. Both Freud’s and Abraham’s concept of an “oral character” views the pattern as exhibiting many traits of infancy: total dependency, lack of assertion, a tendency to cling to others, separation anxiety, and insatiable needs for constant care, affection, and support. Fenichel aptly describes the oral dependent as a “love addict.”

Horney describes the “compliant type” as a person who chronically “moves toward people” with pleasing and placating behaviors. Fromm sees the dependent pattern as creating a “receptive orientation” characterized by interpersonal naiveté and Pollyannaish gullibility. Tyrer agrees that there is a Pollyanna-like view of the world that makes them regard duplicitous motives of manipulative individuals with imperceptive childlike trust. 

How does a therapist help the dependent pleaser grow out of this pattern? Have a look at:

 COMPASS THERAPY: CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY ON ACTION