How Does a Person Become A People-Pleaser?
Those who
exhibit the Pleaser pattern are likely to enjoy an idyllic first year or so of
life. By receiving consistently warm care, they form an expectation that they
will be nurtured and develop an implicit trust in those they live with to meet
all of their needs.
But when the
toddler begins to show a desire for autonomy, the parent does not allow it.
Instead, the parent continues nurturing the toddler in babying ways. The parent
discourages exploration, overly protects, and immediately relieves any
frustration the toddler experiences. This continues during preschool and school
age years. An example is a mother who insisted on remaining with her son every
day of his first week of kindergarten.
The smothering
parenting style is one of pervasive control. It does not occur to the parent
that there will be any other response but compliance. The consequence of relentless
nurturance is dedicated submission. These children
experience difficulty in developing a sense of competence and dignity when
parents discourage their autonomy and peers tease them about their immaturity
and undue sensitivity.
Pleaser
dependency can also develop in the context of aggressive parenting that exaggerates
anger to intimidate the child. In this case, Pleasers fear for their
self-preservation and evolve a dependent-compliant response to avoid parental
anger or displeasure. In other words, because the parent is stuck with
aggression on the Assertion compass point on their Self Compass, the child learns not only to
decommission this compass point in their own development, but undergoes
generational reversal by adopting a Love-oriented Self Compass fixated on being
a good boy or good girl.
Consequently,
they neglect inner interests, talents, and feelings in favor of attending to
what their parent expects and demands. They are given the impression that inner
direction is selfish and inconsiderate. This impoverished self-determination
accounts for the feelings of depression and emptiness that Pleasers secretly
harbor, despite their efforts to appear happy.
Another origin
of the Pleaser pattern stems from early deprivation due to the loss of a warm
and supportive mother by death or illness, or its equivalent: the emotional
absence of a nurturing parent. A parent who is physically absent, suffers from
depression, or is emotionally shutdown can leave the child with nagging insecurities.
Clinical Literature
The dependent
pattern is widely recognized in clinical literature. Both Freud’s and Abraham’s
concept of an “oral character” views the pattern as exhibiting many traits of infancy:
total dependency, lack of assertion, a tendency to cling to others, separation
anxiety, and insatiable needs for constant care, affection, and support. Fenichel aptly describes the oral dependent
as a “love addict.”
Horney
describes the “compliant type” as a person who chronically “moves toward
people” with pleasing and placating behaviors. Fromm sees the dependent
pattern as creating a “receptive orientation” characterized by interpersonal
naiveté and Pollyannaish gullibility. Tyrer agrees that there is a
Pollyanna-like view of the world that makes them regard duplicitous motives of
manipulative individuals with imperceptive childlike trust.
How does a therapist help the dependent pleaser grow out of this pattern? Have a look at:
