A therapist can build counselee trust by
foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to
feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety,
guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent
Weakness compass points.
The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety
stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset
someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough.
Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of
saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling,
preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity
pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers.
Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy,
the fear of not coming across just right.
An ironic consequence of the pattern
makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others. Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,”
and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or
the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the
dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”
While feelings of anxiety, guilt,
and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from
consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s
security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are
summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely
because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for
support.
Body Language
For Pleaser counselees, there is no
“there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness
and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking
outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar”
readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional
and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they
instead feel more like a “no-body.”
Breathing shallowly from the thorax
contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under
stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of
oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition
and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of
tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in
abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent
counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid
foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.
The body language of counselees
stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made
largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The
pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for
love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way
critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso,
the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s
self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture
owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological
habit of leaning on others for support.
For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:
