Dependent Personality Disorder, Emotions & Body Language

Dependent Pattern Emotions

A therapist can build counselee trust by foretelling the most frequently experienced emotions that Pleasers are prone to feel. In terms of DSM this dependent personality disorder may exist at a lesser level of intensity as a nagging need for approval and support. Compass Therapy predicts that Pleasers are secretly haunted by anxiety, guilt, and doubt because dependency exaggerates both the Love and the adjacent Weakness compass points. 

The dependent Pleaser’s anxiety stems from the fear of disapproval, particularly if they think they have upset someone. Guilt constantly invades because they fear they haven’t done enough. Doubt dogs their days because there is no inner center of gravity, no way of saying to one’s self and other people: this is my choice (or my feeling, preference, or opinion) whether you like it or not. A relentless insecurity pervades their relationships with spouse, children, relatives, and co-workers. Even the Pleaser pattern’s affability is riddled with a sense of inadequacy, the fear of not coming across just right.

An ironic consequence of the pattern makes Pleasers disown the very approval they seek from others.  Someone says, “You sure are a great mother,” and the dependent person replies, “Oh no, I just do what any mother does.” Or the boss presents a Certificate of Achievement at a company banquet, and the dependent response is, “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

While feelings of anxiety, guilt, and doubt abound, there is one emotion the Pleaser altogether denies from consciousness: anger. Assertive feelings like anger might disrupt one’s security and acceptance. Therefore, anger, annoyance, or irritation are summarily repressed, and if accidentally expressed, apologized for profusely because they threaten the very nature of one’s dependency on others for support.

Body Language

For Pleaser counselees, there is no “there” there. The therapist does well to realize how completely body awareness and sensorimotor activity is suppressed by the lifelong habit of looking outward to others for how they should feel and act. This outer-directed “radar” readily picks up external signals but is not attuned to the person’s emotional and somatic functioning. Thus, rather than feeling like “some-body,” they instead feel more like a “no-body.” 

Breathing shallowly from the thorax contributes to somatic anxiety that can leave them breathless when under stress. The lack of relaxed abdominal breathing deprives the brain and body of oxygenated red blood cells. Such a devitalized state interferes with cognition and promotes panicky feelings. Hyperventilation can occur during times of tension or conflict. For this reason relaxation techniques and training in abdominal breathing are powerful therapeutic allies for helping dependent counselees transform their incessant undercurrent of uneasiness into a solid foundation of visceral and psychological serenity.

The body language of counselees stuck in the dependent pattern reveals that interpersonal contact is made largely through the top third of the body, particularly the face and arms. The pattern’s ready smiles, soft-spoken voice, and friendly eyes evince appeals for love and support. Not wanting to give the impression that they are in any way critical or confronting, a confident gaze is avoided. In contrast to the torso, the legs seem limp and unsteady. This works against “standing up for one’s self” or challenging unfairness in the world. A tendency for slumped posture owes in part to an underdeveloped muscular system and the inner psychological habit of leaning on others for support. 

For a multifaceted treatment plan to successfully heal the codependency of the dependent personality disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY: 

CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION 

Dependent Personality Disorder Origins

How Does a Person Become A People-Pleaser?

Those who exhibit the Pleaser pattern are likely to enjoy an idyllic first year or so of life. By receiving consistently warm care, they form an expectation that they will be nurtured and develop an implicit trust in those they live with to meet all of their needs.

But when the toddler begins to show a desire for autonomy, the parent does not allow it. Instead, the parent continues nurturing the toddler in babying ways. The parent discourages exploration, overly protects, and immediately relieves any frustration the toddler experiences. This continues during preschool and school age years. An example is a mother who insisted on remaining with her son every day of his first week of kindergarten. 

The smothering parenting style is one of pervasive control. It does not occur to the parent that there will be any other response but compliance. The consequence of relentless nurturance is dedicated submission. These children experience difficulty in developing a sense of competence and dignity when parents discourage their autonomy and peers tease them about their immaturity and undue sensitivity.

Pleaser dependency can also develop in the context of aggressive parenting that exaggerates anger to intimidate the child. In this case, Pleasers fear for their self-preservation and evolve a dependent-compliant response to avoid parental anger or displeasure. In other words, because the parent is stuck with aggression on the Assertion compass point on their Self Compass, the child learns not only to decommission this compass point in their own development, but undergoes generational reversal by adopting a Love-oriented Self Compass fixated on being a good boy or good girl. 

Consequently, they neglect inner interests, talents, and feelings in favor of attending to what their parent expects and demands. They are given the impression that inner direction is selfish and inconsiderate. This impoverished self-determination accounts for the feelings of depression and emptiness that Pleasers secretly harbor, despite their efforts to appear happy.

Another origin of the Pleaser pattern stems from early deprivation due to the loss of a warm and supportive mother by death or illness, or its equivalent: the emotional absence of a nurturing parent. A parent who is physically absent, suffers from depression, or is emotionally shutdown can leave the child with nagging insecurities. 

  

Clinical Literature

The dependent pattern is widely recognized in clinical literature. Both Freud’s and Abraham’s concept of an “oral character” views the pattern as exhibiting many traits of infancy: total dependency, lack of assertion, a tendency to cling to others, separation anxiety, and insatiable needs for constant care, affection, and support. Fenichel aptly describes the oral dependent as a “love addict.”

Horney describes the “compliant type” as a person who chronically “moves toward people” with pleasing and placating behaviors. Fromm sees the dependent pattern as creating a “receptive orientation” characterized by interpersonal naiveté and Pollyannaish gullibility. Tyrer agrees that there is a Pollyanna-like view of the world that makes them regard duplicitous motives of manipulative individuals with imperceptive childlike trust. 

How does a therapist help the dependent pleaser grow out of this pattern? Have a look at:

 COMPASS THERAPY: CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY ON ACTION