Christian Personality Theory Interprets Arguers & Rule-Breakers

Arguers build an airtight case for arguing. “Don’t you want me to tell you the truth?” “I have a right to tell it like it is.” “I only call things as I see them.” They tenaciously defend this freedom to speak with brutal honesty, even though their disparagement and rudeness cuts a swath of emotional casualties. Inner discontent oozes out through the body language of a sharp glare or contentious sneer. 

Arguer Personality Pattern

Yet Arguers employ discipline by standing resolutely against any person or policy they feel threatens their freedom. They will labor tirelessly to argue their case like a defense attorney, convinced they are one-hundred-percent right, seeing themselves as heroic figures fighting fearlessly for their principles in the face of persecution.

Because Rule-breakers disdain traditional ideals and hold conventional ethics in contempt, they feel more than free to exploit others, employing a concerted discipline by taking pleasure in canniness, calculation, and the transgression of social codes, championing a fierce pride in their disciplined skill for getting the best of others.

Rule-breaker Personality Pattern

James, the Lord’s brother, writes to those stuck on the Assertion compass point: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20).

Christianity says to Arguers and Rule-keepers: 

• Please let go of your need to be special by nurturing the chip on your shoulder. 

• Give up the perception that the world owes you and therefore you can take whatever you want. 

• Please own your faults and confess your need for personality transformation. 

• Dare to develop love and humility, so that you can utilize your courage and creativity to help people and not hurt them.

Judas let his pattern grow unabated, moving from embezzling funds from the disciples’ treasury to selling Jesus to the Sanhedrin for thirty pieces of silver. Christ held Judas fully responsible for his antisocial Rule-breaker pattern and its behavioral consequences.

The Apostle John, Son of Thunder

On the other hand, Jesus saw redemptive promise in John. Although he nicknamed John a “Son of Thunder,” presumably because of his quick temper, John received Christ’s guidance and changed his ways, becoming the beloved disciple, the only disciple who stood with Jesus at the foot of the cross.

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity

 

 

Christian Personality Theory

Christian Personality Theory Interprets Pleasers and Storytellers

Jesus encourages love as a primary intention for doing God’s will in the world: supporting the needy, loving the loveless, carrying one another’s burdens, and reaching out to others in a spirit of altruistic concern.

But Christ knows that for individuals to love others appropriately, they must learn to love themselves enough to draw firm boundaries with other people, neither pandering to others' needs nor overly soliciting their attention. For those who live with their center of gravity in others “have no root; they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away” (Mk 4:17).

To the Pleaser and Storyteller, Paul asks this question: “Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10).

How can Christians hear the voice of the Lord’s guidance in their personal life if they are preoccupied with currying everyone’s favor? 

Becoming a Servant of Jesus

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Paul says. "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom 12:2).

The developmental step Christ invites Pleasers and Storytellers to take involves: 

1. squarely facing their separation anxiety
2. walking through the valley of aloneness
3. with the Holy Spirit’s help, finding the path to a serene self-presence

Once the Pleaser has outgrown the subjective need for constant reassurance, and the Storyteller has given up the need to remain the emotional center of attention, then the Christian life of living by steadfast faith in God’s objective will can begin in earnest.

With this new center of gravity comes the ability to:

• differentiate one’s identity even while integrating the interpersonal self with the human family
• holding steady in the face of criticism or disapproval
• confronting unfairness or injustice when necessary
• listening to others and expressing one’s point of view
• drawing upon the inner peace of Christ as the cornerstone of actualizing growth 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7).

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory

Compass Therapy Drug Addiction Technique

Metaphors are especially needed when counselees lack proficiency in reasoning or verbal fluency. 

Sergio was a nineteen-year-old former gang member who saw me for a dozen sessions. He was on a year’s probation for getting caught with several bags of methamphetamine in his car. After doing some jail time, the police department had released him to work a residential drug treatment program (Narcotics Anonymous) and get some individual counseling. 

In this sixth session, Sergio was contemplating for the first time enrolling in a community college. Understandably, he had anxiety that all he had learned in gang life would work against him.

 

“One thing I’ve discovered about you, Sergio, is that you are a very resourceful guy.”

“In gang stuff. But I don’t know nothing about college.”

“I see that differently.”

“Like what?”

“Remember the things you shared about getting in tight with the gang, robbing an enemy’s stash, and living off drug sales?”

“Yeah.”

“When you put it all together, I think you had a high learning curve for figuring out how to deal drugs and carry on a successful business.”

“I did pretty good ‘til the cops popped me.”

“So what’s to keep you from that same high learning curve at community college?”

“I can’t sell drugs there. They’d bust my ass in two seconds.”

“Yeah, but think of all the social skills you’ve learned in the past few years. You’ve learned how to hang with people, how to watch out for them, how to be loyal to your friends and customers. College students are human just like you. Your social skills will work there as good as in a gang.”

Community College

“But what about all the bad things I know?”

“So what? The best students bring some life experience with them to college. You’ve survived on the street and that’s valuable experience. Now you’ll just be applying your intelligence to learning math instead of weighing and bagging dope.  I imagine you have good rudimentary math skills.”

“I was good at keeping a ledger for what people owed to me.”

“Just change the scene a bit and you’re passing college algebra so you can build a trade instead of rotting in jail.”

“What about reading? I don’t read good.”

“Neither do I. How did you handle it in the gang when you needed to learn how to turn a drug deal?”

“I talked to somebody who was good at it—somebody in the gang longer than me.”

“There you have it. Use that same determination to find a friend or tutoring course on campus to help you do the reading. And don’t forget that Hollywood smile you’ve got. You should use it more often, now that you’re not trying to scare people.”

Sergio smiled.

“So here’s the deal,” I said. “You’re a talented man with a sharp intelligence and considerable social skills. You’ve already proved how successful you are at the formidable challenges of gang life. Only you don’t like the jail time that goes with it. Now you’ve kicked your drug addiction through NA and your Higher Power. The way I see it, God is calling you forward into a whole new future. What’s keeping you from putting your courage and talent into a first semester at the community college?”

“Nothing. I think I’ll go over and check it out.”

Sergio did just that, and after two more months of thinking about it, Sergio entered the community college for the summer term.

For more, read:  

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS 

 

Christian Counseling Book

Compass Therapy: Handling Resistance

Jesus used the analogy of planting seeds to describe the process whereby people are exposed to God’s Word and develop their unique way of responding to it.

I like this earthy analogy. It has similar implications for the counselor who wishes to plant seeds of personality wholeness or interpersonal communication in counselees. 

Collaborative Implantation

I am always watching for the opportunity to plant the seeds of caring, courage, humility, or esteem in counselees, for these can eventually germinate into personality balance and interpersonal fulfillment—two universal human needs.

Collaborative implantation lets you reflect the counselee’s perceptual field while at the same time sewing seeds for needed growth.

Shen is a sixteen-year-old sophomore who doesn’t like school. He spends a lot of time alone in his room listening to the latest teen music and playing video games. You are working with him to overcome his withdrawn trend and its concomitant social isolation and depression. 

After a number of sessions, you’ve helped him develop an interpersonal language for his feelings and receive adjunct medical therapy in the form of an antidepressant. He is doing much better now in holding his own with new friends and paying attention in class.

A new problem arises that Shen doesn’t recognize. “My sister is so stupid when it comes to music. I really let her have it this week.”

     

As you explore this new topic, you find that Chunnie, Shen’s thirteen-year-old sister, idolizes him. She hangs on his every word and takes what he says to heart. You realize he’s trying out his newfound strength and assertion by putting her down a lot. 

How do you help Shen develop a more compassionate attitude toward his sister, while continuing to develop his strengths? You try collaborative implantation.

         “Chunnie is so ridiculous,” he chides. “She thinks these totally plastic rock groups are so cool.”

         “Sounds like she doesn’t have your sophistication in listening to music. Yet she looks up to you so much. I bet she’d be so thrilled if you became the nurturing brother that she needs.”

         “What do you mean?”

         “You know; someone who believes in her—who helps her along without criticizing her. Of course, that takes quite a lot of skill. Most big brothers talk down to their little sisters. They don’t know how much damage that causes.”

         “It’s just that I can’t believe some of the groups she likes. They’re terrible!”

         “I know what you mean. The groups she chooses are ones you might have chosen at thirteen, before you developed more musical expertise. I can tell it would be hard for you—and maybe even impossible—to keep some of your critical comments to yourself.”

         “I can do that. But who will teach her what’s what if I don’t?”

         “So it seems to you like a special mission in life to correct your sister and make her adopt your beliefs and tastes. Like maybe she should be your clone.”

         “Hey, I’m not that bad. But I get what you’re saying—that I shouldn’t get on her case so much.”

          “That’s a very mature insight. I’m impressed. Keep that up and I bet you’ll be giving her a supportive hug before you know it.”

       

Do you see what is happening? How Shen’s rigid and sophomoric superiority is being challenged with new growth? And how his one-upmanship is expanded into a word picture of what it would look like to develop a more supportive big brother role?

         

In fact, because you’ve planted these seeds of healthier give and take with his sister, Shen gradually shifts his behavior in that direction. You feel gratified when a couple of months later Chunnie comes in for a session. She mentions in passing how well Shen has been treating her.

For more, read: Christian Counseling That Really Works

Christian Counseling

 

Counseling the Paranoid Personality Disorder

Treating the paranoid personality disorder involves embracing a paradox: the best therapeutic strategy is to give up the need to help them. 

Why? Because their radar will translate any conscious or unconscious need of yours as a devious attempt to influence them. If you want to help them, they will see this as condescension—that you’re really only interested in taking their money or building your ego at their expense.

In other words, they come in armed to the teeth to defend themselves against dependence upon you or learning anything from you. Fritz Perls called this the bear-trapping game, by which he meant that aggressive-oriented counselees lay out traps that spring into action when you least expect it. 

Springing A Trap

They may cajole you with questions about your qualifications, your personal life, or your intentions for them, then place your words or actions into a distorted context that is aimed at your humiliation. Or they may jump on a phrase you use and put you on the hot seat.

You would not be human if you didn’t feel the occasional sting from these machinations. Yet you can foresee and avoid most traps by:

1. Developing modest expectations for the therapy.
2. Engaging the counselee at a more objective than subjective level.
3. When appropriate, uncovering the structure and function of the paranoid Arguer pattern with calm aplomb. 
4. Equally important is keeping the motivation for every aspect of therapy squarely on the counselee’s shoulders. 

One might wonder why paranoid Arguers are willing to seek therapy, let alone pay for it.

The most common answer is that they are motivated to recruit a mental health professional into agreeing with them that someone in their interpersonal world is stupid, devious, and argumentative because they are not doing what the Arguer wants them to do.

If they can convince you to agree with them that the other person (usually a spouse, child, or work associate) is guilty and they are innocent victims, then they can use your expert opinion as a hammer for battering the other person.

By thoroughly mastering the paranoid mentality, you develop immunity from various paranoid tactics that could otherwise leave you rattled. 

If you know their pattern as well as they experience it from inside themselves, and yet don’t use your knowledge to blame and attack them, they detect that they can’t manipulate you. Their trust and respect

for you as a therapist increases.

Here are a few points to keep in mind:

1. Paranoid Arguers are stubborn and proud of it. 
2. Their views are always right. 
3. Criticize them and they become vindictive. 
4. Threaten them and they become stronger. 
5. Attack them and they make vengeful plans to make your life miserable.

Paranoid Arguer

 

Their thought patterns run along these lines:

• People can’t be trusted because they are devious and will side against you.
• I am honest in saying that my philosophy of life is how things really are.
• I must test those around me to see if they are loyal.
• Other people want to interfere with my freedom, put me down, and discriminate against me. 
• I have never received the good treatment that society owes me.
• If people seem friendly, they’re only trying to manipulate me.
• I need to be constantly on guard against adversaries who want to take advantage of me.
• I am hard-nosed and proud of it.
• People make me angry because they are untrustworthy and exasperating.

For more on techniques for working with the Paranoid Personality Disorder, read:

COMPASS THERAPY:

Christian Psychology in Action

Ethics, Rapport, and Personality Disorders

The utmost delicacy is required in communicating to counselees the nature of their personality rigidities, since they may feel as vulnerable as a dental patient hearing the results of an examination. Yet therapists have an ethical mandate to impart this information when it contributes to understanding psychopathology or helps the counselee participate more effectively in resolving presenting problems.

Consider this as you approach a counselee: 

A good dentist knows to say, “Okay, this poke is going to sting a bit, but then you’ll feel better.” Patients still don’t want the needle and may resent the dentist for the invasiveness of the shot. But they do want the end result of healthy teeth.

So, when you are going to administer some truth serum to a counselee, and you anticipate temporary pain, you can say, “I’ve been pondering something that may represent new information for you…and may be a little shocking. But once we develop the overview, this insight will serve you well. Should I go ahead?”

Rare is the counselee who will stick fingers in both ears and shout, “No!” If you’ve developed decent rapport, something inside the counselee will say, “This is why I’m here.”

Rapport-building Psychotherapy

Here’s an example from my own practice:

“Ron,” I said, “we’ve reviewed pretty thoroughly how your parents left you to your own devices a lot, and didn’t much encourage conversation or activities in your life.”

“Right,” said Ron, waiting for the poke. “I grew up all alone.”

“Well, I’m afraid there are repercussions to that scenario that have lasted to this day.”

“You mean that I don’t like people?”

“Exactly. And more than that, you’ve built a castle around yourself and filled the moat with water and alligators so that nobody can get close to you.”

Ron smiled wryly. “My first wife would agree. She’d pester me for days to talk to her and then I’d bite her head off.”

“The bad news is that this will never go away on its own. The Compass Therapy name for it is the schizoid Loner pattern, or schizoid personality disorder.”

Ron sat up in his chair. “Does that mean I’m schizophrenic?”

“No. Schizophrenia is a genetic illness in which you have hallucinations and live in another reality. The schizoid personality pattern just means that you’ve split off your thoughts from your feelings, and this brings a hollow numbness inside. Then, to keep this loner pattern intact, you detach from people and withdraw into a shell. Does that make sense?”

Schizoid Loner Pattern

Ron nodded. “That’s me. I could stay on my computer for weeks if I didn’t have to go to work.”

“That’s a very honest assessment. Would you like me to tell you more about the consequences of this pattern so you can think over whether you want to keep it or not?”

“Go ahead.”

“The Loner pattern won’t let love in or out, won’t let you seek friendships that involve opening up, and will make you live and die a lonely man. How do you feel about that?”

“I guess I knew deep inside something like this was happening. I just got used to it and figured it was bad karma.”

“Actually, Ron, a fair number of counselees I’ve worked with started out even more schizoid than you. They somehow found the motivation to give life a second chance. You know, trying to see other people as more than just pests to get rid of.”

“Sounds hard to do. I get nervous when anybody’s around. I just like to be quiet with my own thoughts.”

“But isn’t that just what brought you into therapy—that you’re sick of thoughts rolling around like marbles inside your head?”

Marbles Rolling

Ron shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I do get tired of hearing them."

“Perhaps one of our goals, along with diminishing those repetitive thoughts, can be to enrich your connection to people. There’s no good reason you can’t learn to have feelings and express them like anybody else.”

A look of relief came over Ron’s face. “Okay, but I’m going to need training wheels like a little kid on his first bike.”

“That’s what we’re here for. It’s safe to learn some new things now. And you’ve got plenty of intelligence to help you along.”

By being upfront and direct, I began shifting Ron’s concentration to actualizing growth and laid a foundation for the ongoing transmission of information about his schizoid Loner pattern even as he began to outgrow it. 

For more, read: 

COMPASS THERAPY:

Christian Psychology in Action

Compass Therapy: Warming Up Clients to The Truth

Diplomatic Warm-up Technique 

Counselees want to be trusted with the truth you perceive about them and their life situation. Yet while they value straight talk, they don’t want to feel embarrassed or emotionally wounded by what you tell them. So take it easy. Stay mindful of their feelings.

Communication should minimize counselee distress. Wachtel suggests that therapists cultivate the art of gentle inquiry, so that exchanges build trust by proceeding in a spirit of exploration rather than interrogation.

Diplomatic Warm-up

In other words, when you are shifting into a phase where you are about to offer realistic but painful information, warm up the counselee and proceed kindly.

Dan: “Ellen, we’ve been talking a lot about how hard you’re trying to make your son behave. But I’m wondering a bit why your husband seems so out of the loop. It’s like you’re doing the disciplining all by yourself.”

Ellen: “Well, that’s more or less true. But Larry is very busy at the bank just now. They’ve opened a new branch and he’s actually saddled with two jobs.”

Dan: “So you empathize with the pressure Larry is under. But I’m wondering who is empathizing for you?”

Ellen: (Looks down, her eyes momentarily tearing). “Maybe that’s why I feel so alone in this. I have to enforce all these boundaries. I didn’t have any brothers, so I don’t know much about teenage boys.”

Proceed kindly

Notice that Ellen has changed the subject. And even though she is deepening her disclosure about her feelings of loneliness and anxiety in handling her son, I need to diplomatically bring Larry into the equation so that he is not completely off the hook.

Dan: “That sounds doubly troubling. Not only are you feeling overwhelmed, but you’re very uncertain about what is appropriate or not in your son’s behavior.”

Ellen: “That’s right. I’m really floundering. But I’m determined to make Jeffrey shape up. If I can’t control him, who will?”

Dan: “Now back to your husband. When was the last time you two had a date, good sex, or a heart-to-heart conversation?” 

I am moving beyond emotional reflection in order to stimulate her thinking about the quality of the marriage bond. My clinical hunch is that Larry may have become so invisible to her as an absentee spouse and father that she is afraid to even broach the topic. However she responds, at least we are laying the foundation for more specific exploration in future sessions.

Ellen: (Looks me directly in the eye). “I’ve gotten so used to how things are at home that I don’t even think about Larry and me. It was good between us until he got this job last year. I don’t think we’ve had sex since then. We never talk about Jeffrey. He doesn’t ask and I don’t want to burden him.”

Without knowing it, Ellen has strengthened my working hypothesis that she is stuck on the Love compass point in the Dependent pattern as far as she and Larry are concerned. But on the other hand, she has become stuck on the Strength compass point in the Compulsive Controlling pattern with regard to the teenage son. I jot this in my notes but do not pursue it for our time is running out. I move into summarizing to help Ellen develop emotional closure for this particular session.

Dan: “Ellen, you are a brave person to single-parent your son, and I appreciate how openly you’ve talked today about the strained relationship with Larry. We’ve got to end for now, but notice how these dynamics are played out this week, and we’ll keep exploring next time.”

Now Ellen’s unconscious can retrieve recent memories that paint in bolder strokes the gap between her and Larry (both how it developed and where it’s headed) and she will become more ready to accept what would otherwise be a startling revelation: that her son Jeffrey has replaced Larry as a surrogate spouse in her life.

For more, read:

Compass Therapy:

Christian Psychology In Action