Diplomatic Warm-up Technique
Counselees want to be trusted with the
truth you perceive about them and their life situation. Yet while they value
straight talk, they don’t want to feel embarrassed or emotionally wounded by
what you tell them. So take it easy. Stay mindful of their feelings.
Communication should minimize counselee distress. Wachtel suggests that therapists cultivate the art of
gentle inquiry, so that exchanges build trust by proceeding in a spirit of
exploration rather than interrogation.
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| Diplomatic Warm-up |
In other words, when you are shifting
into a phase where you are about to offer realistic but painful information,
warm up the counselee and proceed kindly.
Dan: “Ellen, we’ve been talking a lot about how hard you’re trying to make your son behave. But I’m wondering a bit why your husband seems so out of the loop. It’s like you’re doing the disciplining all by yourself.”Ellen: “Well, that’s more or less true. But Larry is very busy at the bank just now. They’ve opened a new branch and he’s actually saddled with two jobs.”Dan: “So you empathize with the pressure Larry is under. But I’m wondering who is empathizing for you?”Ellen: (Looks down, her eyes momentarily tearing). “Maybe that’s why I feel so alone in this. I have to enforce all these boundaries. I didn’t have any brothers, so I don’t know much about teenage boys.”
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| Proceed kindly |
Notice that Ellen has changed the
subject. And even though she is deepening her disclosure about her feelings of
loneliness and anxiety in handling her son, I need to diplomatically bring
Larry into the equation so that he is not completely off the hook.
Dan: “That sounds doubly troubling. Not only are you feeling overwhelmed, but you’re very uncertain about what is appropriate or not in your son’s behavior.”Ellen: “That’s right. I’m really floundering. But I’m determined to make Jeffrey shape up. If I can’t control him, who will?”Dan: “Now back to your husband. When was the last time you two had a date, good sex, or a heart-to-heart conversation?”
I am moving beyond emotional reflection in order to stimulate her thinking
about the quality of the marriage bond. My clinical hunch is that Larry may
have become so invisible to her as an absentee spouse and father that she is
afraid to even broach the topic. However she responds, at least we are laying
the foundation for more specific exploration in future sessions.
Ellen: (Looks me directly in the eye). “I’ve gotten so used to how things are at home that I don’t even think about Larry and me. It was good between us until he got this job last year. I don’t think we’ve had sex since then. We never talk about Jeffrey. He doesn’t ask and I don’t want to burden him.”
Without knowing it, Ellen has
strengthened my working hypothesis that she is stuck on the Love compass point
in the Dependent pattern as far as she and Larry are concerned. But on the
other hand, she has become stuck on the Strength compass point in the Compulsive Controlling pattern with regard to the teenage son. I jot this in my
notes but do not pursue it for our time is running out. I move into summarizing
to help Ellen develop emotional closure for this particular session.
Dan: “Ellen, you are a brave person to single-parent your son, and I appreciate how openly you’ve talked today about the strained relationship with Larry. We’ve got to end for now, but notice how these dynamics are played out this week, and we’ll keep exploring next time.”
Now Ellen’s unconscious can retrieve
recent memories that paint in bolder strokes the gap between her and Larry
(both how it developed and where it’s headed) and she will become more ready to
accept what would otherwise be a startling revelation: that her son Jeffrey has
replaced Larry as a surrogate spouse in her life.
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