Christian Personality Theory Interprets Boasters and Controllers

Strength-stuck persons are forced to live a lie that is apparent to all around them. They do make mistakes, do show errors of judgment, and do miss the mark of their own high standards. It’s just that they never admit it.

Scripture makes a prediction about strength-patterned people: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Haughty Spirit

When Boasters and Controllers really grasp the good news about the grace of Jesus Christ, they can lay down the burden of pride and begin enjoying life and people. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10).

Though it is hard to believe and doesn’t have a counterpart in other world religions, the Gospel proclaims that individuals are made right with God and equipped for service to others through the redemptive atonement Christ has provided in his death and resurrection. There is no self-merit involved.

Saved by God's Grace

To the Boaster, God declares, “But let those who boast, boast about this: that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight” (Jeremiah 9:24).

Boasters can invite Christ’s love to shine through their personality and human nature, surrendering the need to gain everyone’s admiration, and praying for forgiveness about the many times they slighted others when striving for superior status. Over time, their self-importance is transformed from self-glorification into glorifying Christ and serving others with a humble heart. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).

Persons outgrowing the Boaster pattern can enjoy a new connection with humanity, one based on empathy instead of condescension, humility instead of hubris. Now the door of the heart can open to concern for others' well-being, consideration for others' feelings, and helping others rather than feeling competitive toward them. 

Helping Others

Controllers face a different set of growth challenges, since their proneness to legalism renders them resistant to grace and love. They want to impress God with their meritorious achievements. Grace seems to diminish what they are most sure of: how conscientious they are. 

But Jesus sees deeper into their hearts, understanding how Controllers must smash the illusion of their good intentions and perfectionist rule-keeping in order to let go of their judgmental attitude. 

So Christ says to the Controller, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2).

Repentance takes the form of giving up the need to always be right, to control every situation, and to constantly prove one’s capability—all preludes to developing a more humble personality, whose spiritual core expresses an interpersonal, rather than egocentric sense of self.

In an invitation that seems tailored to the Controller, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

"Come to me, you who are burdened"

And now there is room for the Lord to introduce play, enjoyment, laughter, and fun into the lives of former Boasters and Controllers, the Holy Spirit helping them to feel God’s extravagant love, and Jesus showing them firsthand the unforced rhythms of grace.

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory Interprets Pleasers and Storytellers

Jesus encourages love as a primary intention for doing God’s will in the world: supporting the needy, loving the loveless, carrying one another’s burdens, and reaching out to others in a spirit of altruistic concern.

But Christ knows that for individuals to love others appropriately, they must learn to love themselves enough to draw firm boundaries with other people, neither pandering to others' needs nor overly soliciting their attention. For those who live with their center of gravity in others “have no root; they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away” (Mk 4:17).

To the Pleaser and Storyteller, Paul asks this question: “Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10).

How can Christians hear the voice of the Lord’s guidance in their personal life if they are preoccupied with currying everyone’s favor? 

Becoming a Servant of Jesus

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Paul says. "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom 12:2).

The developmental step Christ invites Pleasers and Storytellers to take involves: 

1. squarely facing their separation anxiety
2. walking through the valley of aloneness
3. with the Holy Spirit’s help, finding the path to a serene self-presence

Once the Pleaser has outgrown the subjective need for constant reassurance, and the Storyteller has given up the need to remain the emotional center of attention, then the Christian life of living by steadfast faith in God’s objective will can begin in earnest.

With this new center of gravity comes the ability to:

• differentiate one’s identity even while integrating the interpersonal self with the human family
• holding steady in the face of criticism or disapproval
• confronting unfairness or injustice when necessary
• listening to others and expressing one’s point of view
• drawing upon the inner peace of Christ as the cornerstone of actualizing growth 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7).

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory

Compass Therapy for Controlling Persons

Those who are stuck on the Strength compass point of the Self Compass in the Controlling trend are usually too self-sufficient to ask for help when they need it, too proud to say they are sorry, too competitive to be intimate, and too self-centered to listen to other’s needs.  

Controlling Behavior

Exaggerated strength without the balance of the Weakness and Love compass points turns people into control freaks who use power to judge others. They believe that the only way to do things is their way. They judge and reject anyone or anything that doesn't comply with their standards. Their need for perfection interferes with the ability to grasp the bigger picture. They are closed-minded but convinced they know it all. They feel entitled to play “junior gods” in the lives of others.

Controller Self Compass

Controllers' consuming need is to give a good impression and to be in control at all times. Their Rock of Gibraltar self-image is paramount. This keeps them from laughing, playing, feeling, risking, and sharing.

Lacking in imagination and creativity, controllers rely on tradition or the rulebook to prescribe what “should” be done in the present. They live mechanically by rite, ritual, and propriety. They pooh-pooh feelings and consider introspection to be self-indulgent. They are often oblivious to their own and others' emotions.

Controllers secretly strive for recognition and admiration. Their fundamental attitude is: “Strive at all times to demonstrate your strength and superiority.” They view most other people as irresponsible, lazy, and incompetent.

Ordinarily, Western culture and Christian culture are in agreement that personal confidence is an admirable asset. Strength of character, it is supposed, leads to perseverance, discipline, and purpose. What is seldom understood, though, is how often the strength-stuck person is preoccupied with controlling the self, others, and God.

A First Session

In a first interview, it is fairly easy to spot when the Controlling trend is dominating someone’s personality. The counselee has poise, and usually good verbal and cognitive skills. But there is a lack of emotional spontaneity, since a controller lives out of the mind, not out of the heart.

This makes sense when you grasp that the Controlling trend perceives feelings as disruptive to the logic and predictability that thoughts and beliefs provide. Feelings flow from the limbic center of the brain and have much more of a visceral component than do thoughts or acts of will. Controllers numb feelings in an effort to control them. They often override their actual feelings with mental mandates about what they “should” be thinking or doing: a kind of “hardening of the oughteries.”

Tyranny of the Shoulds

Whereas thoughts reflect a person’s assumptions and expectations, feelings reflect their more private and emotionally colored perceptions at any given moment. If you want to exercise self-control the way controllers do, you repress your feelings, even denying them when they run counter to how you think you should behave. This leaves you out of touch with your own depths—with your heart and body—because feelings and sensations are more akin to the spontaneity of the unconscious than to the structure of consciousness.

Hence, controllers are in the dark about parts of their own experience. They have blind spots when it comes to emotion, sensation, interpersonal intuition, and inner guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Awakening the Controller’s Whole Human Nature

Compass Therapy—based as it is on an actualizing psychology of the whole person—places as much value on feelings and sensations, or inner subjectivity, as it does on cognition and volition, the objective aspects of behavior.

The challenge in counseling a strength-stuck person is to avoid becoming enmeshed in a maze of logical but unfruitful speculations about the presenting problem. A certain amount of rational analysis is helpful for determining what is triggering the symptom and what is holding it in place. Beyond that, it is essential to shift to a more experiential mode of therapeutic encounter, a methodology that integrates cognition with emotion and sensation.

So the counseling aim is double-pronged: to assist in resolving the presenting problem or symptom, while at the same time teaching counselees to value their feelings and sense perceptions as highly as their thoughts. This often involves liberating counselees from the curse of perfection, which I define as the realization that you aren’t perfect, accompanied by an expectation that with more effort you COULD (and therefore SHOULD) be perfect.

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS 

Christian Counseling That Really Works

Using The Self Compass In A Therapy Session

Incorporating the Self Compass diagram in a session is simple.   

The therapist can show a graphic of the Self Compass and say something like, “One of the building blocks of your therapy is this compass diagram. Notice that it’s divided into four compass points that are essential to every person. The Love compass point stands for all the love and caring you’ve ever received or given, but its opposite, the Assertion compass point, is just as important. Loving helps you care for others; Assertion lets you express yourself and stand up for your feelings and values. Now I wonder if you might explore how the Love/Assertion polarity relates to you.”

By asking counselees to locate and elaborate on their own experiences within the Self Compass, you involve them in assessing and describing their own behavior. Two things happen. First, they begin to develop an observing self that will help them reflect on their behavior throughout the therapy. Second, they enjoy talking about themselves in compass terms by sharing significant life experiences that relate to a given compass point. This prepares for continued exploration of the relationship between their current functioning and their actualizing growth toward holistic health.

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Once you have explored the terrain of a counselee’s reflections on love and assertion, you launch the next expedition. You might say, “This second polarity represents times in life when you’ve felt especially weak or particularly strong. Weakness equals anxiety, vulnerability, and uncertainty. Strength describes your experiences of confidence and adequacy. How would you say these two compass points relate to you?”

As vital information from your counselee’s life history comes forth, you discern how he or she has typically handled the Weakness/Strength polarity. Is he stuck overly exaggerating weakness at the expense of strength? Has she developed a superior attitude to compensate for her fear of showing weakness?

 The rapport you build and the insights you gain help form a diagnostic impression of the counselee’s personality configuration. You may find out that the man who is a confident physics professor at work is a dependent depressive at home. Or the woman who has mastered yoga for relaxation goes to pieces when stressed by her hyperactive three-year-old son.

You and the counselee are working together like Sherlock Holmes and Watson, searching for relevant clues and deducing growth goals that will help to solve the mystery of self-growth that has eluded the counselee. The spirit of mutual curiosity and discovery generated by exploring the Self Compass adds momentum to motivation, self-reflection, and personality integration—key ingredients for awakening counselees to full engagement in their own change process.

Here’s a glimpse of how such dialogue can work. Let’s say you’ve just heard Nancy’s disclosure about how she sees herself and her significant relationships in terms of the Self Compass. You begin to formulate a treatment strategy with her.

Therapist: “So Nancy, it sounds like you could benefit from more assertion in order to hold your own with your husband. Is that right?”

Nancy: “Yes, he just makes so many choices about furniture, vacations, and where we eat out without getting my input. I don’t think he’s trying to be bossy. But I do need to let him know what I’d like more often.”

Therapist: “One of our goals can be strengthening your use of the Assertion compass point. Working on how to diplomatically express yourself instead of not saying anything. Now what about strength and weakness?”

Nancy: “Well, in my nursing work I feel very confident. Everyone treats me with respect. So that’s okay. But where I get shaky inside is with my teenage daughter. She wants so many things! I give in too easily. I think I feel intimidated by her.”

Therapist: “It’s like you feel strong at work but weak in the presence of your daughter, especially when she puts pressure on you to buy her something.”

Nancy: “Exactly. I’ve tried to set boundaries but she just keeps on until I give in.”

Therapist: “Well, we can build your staying power through some role-playing and help you develop more self-confidence in her presence.”

Nancy: “That would be great.”

The Self Compass is a user-friendly tool that helps a therapist:

• develop a diagnosis-to-treatment strategy. 
• form an estimate of how many sessions may be needed. 
• generate action techniques for intervention and growth-enhancement.
• monitor a counselee’s progress.
• determine when therapy is ready for termination. 

Sharing the Self Compass demystifies therapy and engages counselees as dialogue partners in the therapeutic enterprise. Counselees get excited when they know they can directly influence their own functioning.