Dependent clients transfer their indiscriminate hunger for people’s approval straight into the counseling setting. In terms of the Self Compass, they are stuck on the Love compass point in the Dependent trend, and their chief difficulty is a fear of using the Assertion compass point.
1. Resist being trapped by the niceness, politeness, and attempts at being ideal counselees. It is important to help dependent clients stay in touch with the need for healthy assertion, because they fear anger and confrontation. Watch out for the temptation of feeling flattered when they tell you how
wise and wonderful you are. If you get hooked by this unconscious ploy,
they will remain as dependent as ever.
2. How do you teach dependents about their self-defeating personality pattern without devastating them? You break the news gently by exploring how they first acquired the Dependent trend in childhood and adolescence. You ask them to recall who taught them to care so much about people’s approval. You predict that unless they outgrow the Dependent trend, they will keep feeling guilty about trivial matters, fearful of displeasing others, and depressed when others inevitably take them for granted.
3. Skillfully frustrate their tendency to lean on you. Ask them how they feel about different issues, and wait for them to spell it out. This helps them take responsibility for thoughts and feelings. Ask what they want and how they might accomplish it. This helps them think for themselves. Compliment every movement toward self-direction and emotional self-sufficiency.
4. Become the accepting parent your dependent client never had. Compliment them when they finally admit their anger towards others, disclose secret depression, or show disgust with their overdone niceness. Your acceptance of their negative feelings helps them accept more realistically their Strengths and Weaknesses—without fear. This is how they become more authentic human persons.
Dr. Jim Beck at Denver Seminary says about
"The 25 techniques alone are worth the price of the book."
