Christian Personality Theory Interprets Boasters and Controllers

Strength-stuck persons are forced to live a lie that is apparent to all around them. They do make mistakes, do show errors of judgment, and do miss the mark of their own high standards. It’s just that they never admit it.

Scripture makes a prediction about strength-patterned people: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Haughty Spirit

When Boasters and Controllers really grasp the good news about the grace of Jesus Christ, they can lay down the burden of pride and begin enjoying life and people. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10).

Though it is hard to believe and doesn’t have a counterpart in other world religions, the Gospel proclaims that individuals are made right with God and equipped for service to others through the redemptive atonement Christ has provided in his death and resurrection. There is no self-merit involved.

Saved by God's Grace

To the Boaster, God declares, “But let those who boast, boast about this: that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight” (Jeremiah 9:24).

Boasters can invite Christ’s love to shine through their personality and human nature, surrendering the need to gain everyone’s admiration, and praying for forgiveness about the many times they slighted others when striving for superior status. Over time, their self-importance is transformed from self-glorification into glorifying Christ and serving others with a humble heart. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).

Persons outgrowing the Boaster pattern can enjoy a new connection with humanity, one based on empathy instead of condescension, humility instead of hubris. Now the door of the heart can open to concern for others' well-being, consideration for others' feelings, and helping others rather than feeling competitive toward them. 

Helping Others

Controllers face a different set of growth challenges, since their proneness to legalism renders them resistant to grace and love. They want to impress God with their meritorious achievements. Grace seems to diminish what they are most sure of: how conscientious they are. 

But Jesus sees deeper into their hearts, understanding how Controllers must smash the illusion of their good intentions and perfectionist rule-keeping in order to let go of their judgmental attitude. 

So Christ says to the Controller, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2).

Repentance takes the form of giving up the need to always be right, to control every situation, and to constantly prove one’s capability—all preludes to developing a more humble personality, whose spiritual core expresses an interpersonal, rather than egocentric sense of self.

In an invitation that seems tailored to the Controller, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

"Come to me, you who are burdened"

And now there is room for the Lord to introduce play, enjoyment, laughter, and fun into the lives of former Boasters and Controllers, the Holy Spirit helping them to feel God’s extravagant love, and Jesus showing them firsthand the unforced rhythms of grace.

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory Interprets Arguers & Rule-Breakers

Arguers build an airtight case for arguing. “Don’t you want me to tell you the truth?” “I have a right to tell it like it is.” “I only call things as I see them.” They tenaciously defend this freedom to speak with brutal honesty, even though their disparagement and rudeness cuts a swath of emotional casualties. Inner discontent oozes out through the body language of a sharp glare or contentious sneer. 

Arguer Personality Pattern

Yet Arguers employ discipline by standing resolutely against any person or policy they feel threatens their freedom. They will labor tirelessly to argue their case like a defense attorney, convinced they are one-hundred-percent right, seeing themselves as heroic figures fighting fearlessly for their principles in the face of persecution.

Because Rule-breakers disdain traditional ideals and hold conventional ethics in contempt, they feel more than free to exploit others, employing a concerted discipline by taking pleasure in canniness, calculation, and the transgression of social codes, championing a fierce pride in their disciplined skill for getting the best of others.

Rule-breaker Personality Pattern

James, the Lord’s brother, writes to those stuck on the Assertion compass point: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20).

Christianity says to Arguers and Rule-keepers: 

• Please let go of your need to be special by nurturing the chip on your shoulder. 

• Give up the perception that the world owes you and therefore you can take whatever you want. 

• Please own your faults and confess your need for personality transformation. 

• Dare to develop love and humility, so that you can utilize your courage and creativity to help people and not hurt them.

Judas let his pattern grow unabated, moving from embezzling funds from the disciples’ treasury to selling Jesus to the Sanhedrin for thirty pieces of silver. Christ held Judas fully responsible for his antisocial Rule-breaker pattern and its behavioral consequences.

The Apostle John, Son of Thunder

On the other hand, Jesus saw redemptive promise in John. Although he nicknamed John a “Son of Thunder,” presumably because of his quick temper, John received Christ’s guidance and changed his ways, becoming the beloved disciple, the only disciple who stood with Jesus at the foot of the cross.

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity

 

 

Christian Personality Theory

Christian Personality Theory Interprets Pleasers and Storytellers

Jesus encourages love as a primary intention for doing God’s will in the world: supporting the needy, loving the loveless, carrying one another’s burdens, and reaching out to others in a spirit of altruistic concern.

But Christ knows that for individuals to love others appropriately, they must learn to love themselves enough to draw firm boundaries with other people, neither pandering to others' needs nor overly soliciting their attention. For those who live with their center of gravity in others “have no root; they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away” (Mk 4:17).

To the Pleaser and Storyteller, Paul asks this question: “Am I now trying to win human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10).

How can Christians hear the voice of the Lord’s guidance in their personal life if they are preoccupied with currying everyone’s favor? 

Becoming a Servant of Jesus

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" Paul says. "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Rom 12:2).

The developmental step Christ invites Pleasers and Storytellers to take involves: 

1. squarely facing their separation anxiety
2. walking through the valley of aloneness
3. with the Holy Spirit’s help, finding the path to a serene self-presence

Once the Pleaser has outgrown the subjective need for constant reassurance, and the Storyteller has given up the need to remain the emotional center of attention, then the Christian life of living by steadfast faith in God’s objective will can begin in earnest.

With this new center of gravity comes the ability to:

• differentiate one’s identity even while integrating the interpersonal self with the human family
• holding steady in the face of criticism or disapproval
• confronting unfairness or injustice when necessary
• listening to others and expressing one’s point of view
• drawing upon the inner peace of Christ as the cornerstone of actualizing growth 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:7).

For more, read:

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY:

A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory

Christian Personality Theory Interprets Worriers and Loners

Most people would not consider being overly withdrawn, detached, or hermit-like as sinful, but Jesus sees it differently. In the parable of the three servants given funds to invest by their master, the first two take appropriate risks that bring a return on the investment. The third hides the money away and later says to the master, “I was afraid I might lose some so I didn’t invest any.” The master takes what has been entrusted to this servant and gives it to the other two, ordering punishment for the servant’s play-it-safe attitude (Mt 25:14-30).

One of the major ways people can sin against God and sabotage the purpose for which they are created is to withhold themselves from others. Of course there are many rationalizations for doing so: “I had a bad childhood,” “I was humiliated in school and never got over it,” or “My best friend stabbed me in the back so I decided never to trust anyone.” This same type of rationale occurs between the person and God. “I prayed for something really important and it never happened, so I quit praying.” “God has more important things to do than care about me.”

The pattern of withholding one’s self as a strategy through life forestalls self-development, triggering a premature abdication of identity. Within a Christian perspective, the pattern intercepts one’s identity and calling in Christ.

 

Jesus and The Avoidant Worrier

Jesus says to the Avoidant Worrier, “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?” (Lk 12:25-26). To stimulate the Worrier’s active trust in him, Christ says, “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom” (Lk 12:32). What is this kingdom that the Father gives to the Worrier? It is the:

• richness of companionate relationships
• fullness of an active mind and expressive heart
• excitement of developing talents and hobbies
• joy of communion with the Trinity
• pleasure of having one’s name spoken by friends and acquaintances
• interest of days filled with growth and adventure
• serenity that replaces fear and worry with gratitude for being alive

No doubt some friends and family members have tried to awaken the Worrier to the pleasures of life and relationships, their words falling on deaf ears, the seeds of their encouragement lying on fallow ground. But when Worriers finally hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit who passionately and gently witnesses to Christ’s presence in the soul, then Christianity delivers its message to Worriers, who begin to exchange the burden of worry for active steps that lead to a larger life.

How does the Bible approach the Schizoid Loner? Paul counsels, “And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some” (Heb 10:24-25). Obviously Paul knew some Christians who had succumbed to the Loner pattern by isolating from fellowship with others. Because Christ knows the damaging effects of the Loner pattern, he pursues Loners to bring them home to the friendship of Trinity love. 

Jesus says:

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep’” (Lk 15:3-6).

Jesus and the Schizoid Loner

How can the Loner overcome years of self-absorbed solitude? The answer is, “Put on the Lord Jesus Christ” (Ro 13:14); that is to say, until Loners develop a modicum of social skill for communicating with others, it works to simply model Christ.

For more, read: 

CHRISTIAN PERSONALITY THEORY: A Self Compass for Humanity 

Christian Personality Theory

Compass Therapy: Borderline Personality Disorder Thoughts

Compass Therapy sees the primary cognitive distortion of the borderline personality disorder as centering on the chronic use of mutually exclusive categories.

Borderline self-talk sounds like this:

• Either you love me or you hate me.
• I have every right to lash out when you don’t show enough love.
• To leave my presence when I need you is abandonment.
• Make my emptiness go away or I’ll punish you.
• People need to pay attention to me because I’m very important.
• I can’t stand to depend on people because they always disappoint me.
• You don’t love me as much as I love you.
• Give me what I want or I’ll hate you.
• Don’t leave me alone because I need you all the time.
• You should accept my explosions if you love me.

Borderline people lean on the structure of the environment to maintain their cognitive bearings, and hence regress to primitive ego states whenever the environment changes. For instance, when a person they rely upon has needs for privacy, or decides on a course of action that seems to exclude them, borderlines can panic and take desperate measures to counter the show of independence. Moments later, however, they forget their intimidation and threats, and sincerely proclaim themselves as the other person’s best friend.

Unintegrated Thoughts

Normal individuals tolerate cognitive dissonance through the integration of polar opposites. They can hold in mind both that a partner cares for them and that the partner needs alone times to function as an independent person.

Borderlines bypass developing a toleration of opposites, and instead think in stark “either/or” terms that call for ultimatums and showdowns, followed by emotional tirades or collapse.

Compass Therapy growth encourages the blending of opposing polarities by offering more sophisticated communications, like caring assertion, or humble requests.

Vulnerable to nightmares

Borderlines are particularly vulnerable to intrusive thoughts and images, including flashbacks and nightmares. When these occur, they tend to dump the toxic residue of these disturbing experiences straight into a current relationship. But it’s not long before they forget what they’ve just done, and expect an immediate return to a more congenial atmosphere.

Naturally, this relationship-shattering style creates approach-avoidance conflicts within the borderline’s partner or friends, causing them to seriously consider abandoning the borderline. The borderline, then, picks up on these cues and challenges with a vengeance the partner’s thoughts about leaving the relationship.

 For more, read: 

COMPASS THERAPY: CHRISTIAN PSYCHOLOGY IN ACTION

Compass Therapy: The Mind of the Antisocial Personality Disorder

Compass theory employs the term “Rule-breaker” as a significant feature of the antisocial personality disorder mindset because it reflects a willful stand to live outside the boundaries of custom and the rule of law, and because counselees readily understand the term.

Antisocial Rule-breakers are notably resourceful. They learn from life experience that little will be achieved without substantial effort and cunning, and that desired goals must be accomplished by one’s actions.

Thus Rule-breakers overly use the Assertion and Strength compass points of the Self Compass. What happens to the lower quadrants? 

Antisocial Personality Disorder

The Love compass point is warped into a façade of charm that masks the hidden intent to exploit. The Rule-breaker represses feelings of tenderness, for this would give others the edge. 

The avoidance of healthy Weakness keeps them from empathizing with other’s pain or admitting any faults. It is precisely this lack of empathy combined with entitlement that creates a “superego lacunae”—a massive deficiency in social conscience. Thus a Rule-breaker is streetwise, glib, and able to lie convincingly, and is well equipped to exploit people’s weaknesses or trust.

THERAPY for ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER

1. The therapist can offer reflections and interpretations that not only show empathy for Antisocial Rule-breaker counselees, but also help them become aware of the cognitive self-talk that underlies the antisocial pattern:

• I disdain traditional ideals and hold conventional ethics in contempt.
• I have no guilt about using and discarding others when I no longer need them.
• I take pleasure in shrewdness, calculation, and the transgression of social codes.
• I can wear a mask of helpful civility to hide my true intentions.
• Openness and caring are signs of weakness. If I run into a kind and attentive psychotherapist, I’ll take him (or her) for a ride.
• I don’t mind escalating into verbal threats or physical violence if it gets me what I want.
• I will never be caught. I’m always ahead of the law, the regulatory boards, and the gatekeepers.
• I think people should have access to all the alcohol and drugs they want.

 

Antisocial Rule-breaker

2. Antisocials typically block a therapist from any transactions that resemble moralizing, yet respect tough-minded challenging that resonates with their strong-willed posture. In a way akin to Reality Therapy, Compass Therapy meets the antisocial at the level of concrete operations, where they are cognitively fixated, and nudges them forward toward abstract thinking.

3. By connecting behavior with its logical consequences, and developing interpersonal perspective that anticipates their behavioral impact on others, counselees learn how to increase non-exploitive exchanges with individuals and institutions in daily life. This growth strategy is very similar to coaching a rebellious teenager into a more proactive life.

For more, read: COMPASS THERAPY: Christian Psychology In Action 

Compass Therapy Drug Addiction Technique

Metaphors are especially needed when counselees lack proficiency in reasoning or verbal fluency. 

Sergio was a nineteen-year-old former gang member who saw me for a dozen sessions. He was on a year’s probation for getting caught with several bags of methamphetamine in his car. After doing some jail time, the police department had released him to work a residential drug treatment program (Narcotics Anonymous) and get some individual counseling. 

In this sixth session, Sergio was contemplating for the first time enrolling in a community college. Understandably, he had anxiety that all he had learned in gang life would work against him.

 

“One thing I’ve discovered about you, Sergio, is that you are a very resourceful guy.”

“In gang stuff. But I don’t know nothing about college.”

“I see that differently.”

“Like what?”

“Remember the things you shared about getting in tight with the gang, robbing an enemy’s stash, and living off drug sales?”

“Yeah.”

“When you put it all together, I think you had a high learning curve for figuring out how to deal drugs and carry on a successful business.”

“I did pretty good ‘til the cops popped me.”

“So what’s to keep you from that same high learning curve at community college?”

“I can’t sell drugs there. They’d bust my ass in two seconds.”

“Yeah, but think of all the social skills you’ve learned in the past few years. You’ve learned how to hang with people, how to watch out for them, how to be loyal to your friends and customers. College students are human just like you. Your social skills will work there as good as in a gang.”

Community College

“But what about all the bad things I know?”

“So what? The best students bring some life experience with them to college. You’ve survived on the street and that’s valuable experience. Now you’ll just be applying your intelligence to learning math instead of weighing and bagging dope.  I imagine you have good rudimentary math skills.”

“I was good at keeping a ledger for what people owed to me.”

“Just change the scene a bit and you’re passing college algebra so you can build a trade instead of rotting in jail.”

“What about reading? I don’t read good.”

“Neither do I. How did you handle it in the gang when you needed to learn how to turn a drug deal?”

“I talked to somebody who was good at it—somebody in the gang longer than me.”

“There you have it. Use that same determination to find a friend or tutoring course on campus to help you do the reading. And don’t forget that Hollywood smile you’ve got. You should use it more often, now that you’re not trying to scare people.”

Sergio smiled.

“So here’s the deal,” I said. “You’re a talented man with a sharp intelligence and considerable social skills. You’ve already proved how successful you are at the formidable challenges of gang life. Only you don’t like the jail time that goes with it. Now you’ve kicked your drug addiction through NA and your Higher Power. The way I see it, God is calling you forward into a whole new future. What’s keeping you from putting your courage and talent into a first semester at the community college?”

“Nothing. I think I’ll go over and check it out.”

Sergio did just that, and after two more months of thinking about it, Sergio entered the community college for the summer term.

For more, read:  

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS 

 

Christian Counseling Book

Borderline Personality Disorder Origins

The borderline personality pattern is formed in a family dynamic where frequent boundary incursions and crises make it difficult for the child to establish a reliable identity. Rather, the child experiences confluence with the parent, in which thoughts and feelings are all tangled into knots. It seems impossible to establish where one’s identity begins and another's ends. This amorphous merging prevents the child from successfully developing either attachment or individuation. Lacking sufficient self-boundaries, the child is stuck in an undifferentiated limbo. Communications are taken personally and reacted against, rather than responded to or understood.

Family Chaos

The child interprets these garbled communications as his or her fault or the fault of others. Parents may act out through incessant arguing, drunken fury, physical combativeness, suicide attempts, or incestuous abuse. The child learns to become center-stage in this chaos, discovering how to create a similar chaos in others.

Family members perceive attempts toward autonomy and individuality as betrayal, and punish the child accordingly. With no Self Compass for balance, the child remains dependent upon family members while feeling rage against them for the invasion of one’s personhood. Inner pain that erupts in volatile explosions seems perfectly normal.

CLINICAL LITERATURE

Schneider first employed the term “labile” to accentuate the volatile nature of the borderline pattern. Indeed, this term is more descriptive than “borderline,” capturing the pattern’s predictable inconsistency.

Stern characterized this pattern as a “borderline group of neuroses” exhibiting contradictory traits: narcissistic grandiosity combined with feelings of inferiority, and psychic rigidity combined with inordinate hypersensitivity. Stern coined the term “psychic bleeding” to convey the anxious desperation that drives this unstable pattern. 

Schmidberg viewed the borderline personality as “stable in his instability, whatever ups and downs he has, and often keeps constant his pattern of peculiarity.” More recently, Kernberg has described the pattern as a “mutual dissociation of contradictory ego states.” 

COMPASS THERAPY INTERPRETATION

Borderline Self Compass: Dr. Dan & Kate Montgomery

The self-system of the borderline pattern fluctuates drastically as emotional explosions are interspersed with the boundless need for reassurance. When caught in the grip of anxiety (Weakness compass point) or longing for nurturance (Love compass point), the person seeks assurance in the manner of the Worrier or Pleaser patterns. This sends others an SOS signal that elicits a desire to rescue the borderline patterned person from depression or loneliness. But since one demands assurance that is absolute and comforting that is perfect, these demands can never be met.

Then self-righteous judgment erupts. Furiously accusing others of neglect, disregard, and untrustworthiness, one’s behavior then more closely resembles that of the Arguer and Boaster patterns.

“Just look at this pizza. The crust is thick! You know I like thin crust. Some treat you brought me. You did this just to make me miserable. Well, you succeeded admirably. I’ll never trust you again!”

• Extreme lability of affect, erratic shifts between neediness and aggression, and a lack of basic trust make the Self Compass highly unstable. 
• Such instability is accentuated by the ever-present but contradictory feelings of dependent anger and anxious superiority toward others. 

For more read:

Compass Therapy: 

Christian Psychology In Action 

and

Compass Psychotheology: 

Where Psychology & Theology Really Meet

 

Compass Psychotheology